72 thoughts on “Why don’t people do their home and visiting teaching?”

1. Geoff,

   My ward here in TX runs at about 65% HT and 90% VT. I know cause the bishop keeps a chart on the wall of his office. I acknowledge that these numbers are probably much higher then normal.

   I am not sure that the BC catholic example works. 90 something percent of Cathoics disagree with the BC teachings. OUR HT percentages are probably better then that.

2. Bbell, I’d be interested to know whether your figures are based on total number of people who visit the four families/people they are assigned or total number of people on the ward list who are being visited. In my experience, wards tend to count the former and stakes the later. Our 20 percent figure for our stake is “total number of people on ward lists who are being visited.” In our High Priest quorum, about 80 percent of the people are visiting their four families every month. Elders is more like 40 percent. But that’s still above 20 percent as an average. Unfortunately, that’s not how the stake counts it — total number of families in the stake visited as a percentage of total number of families on ward lists.

   In any case, my Catholic comparison is meant to be deliberately provocative. I’m just curious about whether HT and VT are things that people don’t do for some reason, even though the leadership says you should.

3. My two cents:

   Instead of (or in addition) to telling people to do it, once a year or so have a class on HOW to do it. Some people are converts and have never seen anything like VT or HT. Some people (like me) grew up in the church but because of the trouble people have doing VT and HT, never really saw it done and have no idea where to start.

   Also, how about beefing up the VT message in the Ensign? Or starting up a new Relief Society magazine? The HT message in the Ensign is great for HT but the VT message is just a collection of quotes. How do I make a lesson out of that?

   They keep saying “make sure there’s a spiritual message, don’t let it only be a chat session” but where do I begin? And how do I keep from giving the impression that I’m going to railroad them through this lesson no matter what?

4. Geoff,

   My ward is an outlier in this regard. We have no apartments in the ward its 4-5 subdivisions. We run about 80% activity so my feeling is that the 65% number is the 2nd in your #2. There are very few families that are not assigned. Last I saw it was 5 families. That number is now 4 since one of them has become active all of a sudden.

   Your stake is probably much closer to the norm then my ward across the country.

5. Our ward in the boondocks of Pennsylvania has anemic home teaching numbers. My numbers are high however, because I’m a strong proponent of home teaching.

6. Dan, why do you think people don’t do their HT/VT?

7. I used to have a great HT companion and really difficult people to visit (difficult to get to, only marginally interested in the Church, etc.). Now I have a difficult companion and really easy people to visit. I’m struggling much, much more with my home teaching now.

8. When I was first called into an elders quorum presidency, our stats hovered around 95%. When I was made an EQP the following year, our stats dropped to 65–70%. This was because, the previous president counted any contact he made with quorum members as home teaching and I didn’t.

   For the last two years I have been EQP again, our HT has hovered between 10–20%. I attribute this to quorum members just not caring about it. But we see the same thing in everything else (volunteering for service, temple attendance, sharing the gospel, tithe paying, etc).

   As a result, we don’t focus on home teaching. It is rare that you will hear a lesson on home teaching or for our presidency to harp on about home teaching. We don’t even phone for stats. The brethren know it is their responsibility to report home teaching to us.

   Since we don’t focus on hometeaching, we decided to focus on more fundamental things (like teaching them how to be better husbands and fathers, unifying the quorum, and building a love for service in them). This sort of approach is a long term approach and the fruits of it may not be seen for a long time. In reality, there are some things that are more important to our presidency than 100% home teaching.

9. Oh, and to sort of respond to an earlier comment, the number I report is for all families assigned to the elders quorum, not just those assigned home teachers.

10. I think my singles ward got 6% HT a couple months ago. Eek.

11. Okay, I don’t have a testimony of home teaching. I haven’t yet put in the work to get one. Now I really do like the families I am supposed to serve, but they don’t need me. I go, they tell me what everyone’s doing, and I share a lesson I have prayed about and thought out. I don’t feel useful.
    When my home teachers come over. It is always too long. They are very nice people and have interesting lives. They read the lesson well enough, one of them even tries to adapt the lesson to the age of my first grader and preschooler. But given the choice of having them come or not without feeling that I was stopping them from fulfilling their priesthood duty, I’d just as soon pass.
    So yes, there are excuses. I AM busy; I do have other callings and want to spend time with my family, but why don’t I go do it given that I am supposed to: I don’t want to enough. I could go most months, but I don’t really want to.
    That is just like non-practicing Christians the world over, they are told they are going to hell if they don’t do what their preacher says, but don’t want it enough right now.

12. Geoff,

    My own personal feeling on why we don’t do our home teaching is that we’re just not used to a religion asking so much out of regular members. So you have the truly converted going out and doing the things they are asked to do while the rest go on being good members, but not getting their home teaching done. We’re not used to doing it, basically. We’re building up the kingdom of God. This isn’t a regular church, and I think many members have still not caught up on that.

13. #11, thanks for your honesty. My father-in-law was inactive for years and only returned and became sealed to his wife and daughter through the work of a persistent and loving home teacher who showed up every month and showed him he really cared.

    I think home teaching provides one of the best opportunities for Christ-like service. I have one family that includes a single, older woman (I home teach with my wife), who truly looks forward to our visits every month. I have another man who is basically homeless and lives on a small boat (remember, this is Miami, where it’s hot), and he looks forward to talking to me every month to make sure he is doing OK. We have given him assistance a few times, but he’s mostly self-sufficient (and recovering from his addictions pretty well). And my other families are inactives but good friends.

    I guess my point is that home teaching is truly an inspired way of helping the members become more Christ-like. We don’t get many opportunities to do that in wealthy America these days.

    Dan, #12, agreed.

14. PDOE (#3), I’ve always wondered about the visiting teaching lesson in the Ensign. I think it’s there really as an additional suggestion of topics to cover. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with VT the first presidency message and saying, “btw, did you see the VT message in the Ensign?” I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with HT/VT with a completely different spiritual message altogether.

15. Geoff (#14) I don’t see anything wrong with it either but where are you supposed to start? Can you include games and activities? Where would you get such things in the first place? How long should you take? What are the basic elements of a lesson? I’m 29 years old, I’ve been a member all of my life (and active for most of it) and I have no idea where to start.

    I still say the problem is people are uncomfortable treading new ground and until we actually have classes on how to do HT/VT — and in such a way that Primary teachers can attend! — most people just won’t do their HT/VT.

16. I agree with #11 in that I don’t feel like I have a testimony of HT. Perhaps it’s because, again like #11 says, when my home teachers come over, I don’t really feel that that is doing a whole lot for me and my family.

    I do see the benefits of home teaching and the stories like #13’s FiL.

    In a twist, I’m going out home teaching tonight 🙂

17. My problem has always been the companion thing.

    On occasion, I’ve had companions who really meshed well with me and we tended to get 100% each month and enjoyed it thoroughly.

    But when the companionship just isn’t meshing, we tend to stink it up pretty bad.

    On the other hand, there have been a few instances where my companions either went inactive or simply moved-out and I was left to solo it. Once I even went solo for almost 2 years. Those times, my numbers were much better as well.

    I like doing it on my own and personally think I’d be better off without a companion at all, in general. All my families are married couples with kids, so I don’t see what the problem would be. It’s not like I’m looking for one-on-one time with the single sisters in the ward or anything…

    For the record, I also absolutely hated those class projects in school where you had to pick a partner. I think Home Teaching is essentially the same situation.

18. I haven’t read the comments, but one idea is to consider quarterly hometeaching rather than monthly. In one EQ I was in the leaders did this and I thought it was a much better measure of how much we were really neglecting certain members. Plus, I think hometeachers were less apt to simply throw in the towel feeling overwhelmed with the challenge of monthly hometeaching. (And, frankly, I would prefer our hometeachers only came once a quarter!)

19. Home teaching can be invasive. If there is a sincere desire to help your families, then it could be a good program. If Home Teaching is just a spy mission so you can report any contraband (you know, a rated-R DVD or a coffee mug) to the bishop, then there is no wonder why it is so ineffective.

    My wife’s ward has HT about 11% and VT about 20%. This is in a city with a temple.

20. Oh, and another thing. When records are not accurate then it is impossible to HT. Years ago, in one ward (in a fairly upscale area) I got a list of my 4 “families”. The addresses listed were:

    1-A supermarket
    2-A fire station
    3-The street was in an industrial area with no residences. It was a boarded up building.
    4-An address where the house number was transposed. I found the correct address and the person listed had moved out 4 years ago.

21. I’ve always wondered what would happen if a ward decided that visits should be 20 minutes max, with a focus on the lesson and not chit chat.

    I’m not big on chit chat, in my house or when I visit others. I hesitate to schedule appts because I feel hoursslipping down the drain to chitchat.

22. HT and VT are the only things I liked about the ward I lived in in downtown SLC. I was the clerk in that ward and around 90% of ward members lived in high turnover apartments. When the current structure of HT/VT was obviously failing miserably, our bishop changed things up. HT and VT were combined. Your companion was your spouse. Each couple was assigned 7 or 8 families, who were ranked according to spiritual and physical need. Higher need families were visited every month while lower need families were taught every quarter. We still shared a message and all that, but our numbers really jumped.

    Now I live in a ward with no apartments, made up mostly of young families with kids where most of the husbands work two jobs. For most of us, HT is nearly impossible. Take two guys (who may or may not mesh well together), each with multiple jobs and young children. Have them try and schedule HT times together, then schedule that with 3 or 4 other families, each having multiple jobs and young children. It just plain doesn’t work.

    I think stakes should look at the individual ward situations and adapt the HT/VT programs accordingly.

23. There seems to be less emphasis on home teaching now than I recall as a youth.

    Is anyone aware of any studies demonstrating a statistically meaningful correlation between official monthly HT visits and outcomes? I am not sure what I mean by outcomes, of course–I think I mean some sort of benefit to those visited and to the units–improved mental, emotional or spiritual well being, reduction in rates of harmful behaviors, increases in brotherhood or sisterhood, church attendance, and the like?

24. Unclear goals for the program are the culprit IMNSHO. Just in these comments I see different opinions on what the point is: actaully teaching, checking up on someone, spying on them, serving them, helping them, contacting them.

    In our urban ward, the main problem is burn out: too many people to visit, too few people visiting. Simple as that. Combine that with the unclear focus and we have terrible %s. Howev

25. …what is it about HT and VT that makes it difficult for people to fulfill their duties?

    I suspect the answer has to do with the nature of “oughts” in general, rather than HT or VT in particular. Being on the receiving end of behavioral requirements that are developed by others and imposed by others is not particularly conducive to compliance. In short, if a person doesn’t believe it’s a particularly valuable activity, it isn’t going to figure prominently in a list of that person’s true priorities.

    FWIW, I’m far from certain that it is a particularly valuable activity in all circumstances. I know that I’m a more diligent HTer to the one family I have that has real issues that can be helped by a HTer than I am to the families for which my visits are more of duty-fulfillment, box-checking exercise.

26. The first factor against your ward, Geoff, is that it’s Miami; the hardest time I had home teaching was in Venice, California. The place was a magnet for inactives, not just “I don’t feel like going to church anymore” inactives, but also “I’m abandoning my husband and children and starting a new life” inactives; the bishop said we had two inactive daughters of General Authorities. The dimensions of your ward are big enough that the variation of inactivity with beach proximity should be discernible.

    The last couple wards I’ve been part of (Maryland and Michigan) get the home teaching done pretty well, but until recently, I had a fairly low opinion of home teaching’s worth. Despite others’ experience every decade or so of seeing inactives return, there was only one home student for whom it had made a difference that I had visited. What has changed my feelings somewhat is that I now have a couple families that I have been visiting for a couple years, the first time that I’ve been allowed to minister to particular families over a prolonged period. I guess it takes me a while to understand the individuals I’m dealing with, have a relationship with them, and provide them what they need. Unique, individual ministering would seem to be the point of a high manpower one-on-one activity like home teaching, but my past quorum leaders had not given priority to continuity as they arranged assignments; I was interchangeable with any other elder on the roster.

27. Count me in the ranks of the HT unconverted. The reasoning for doing it has never really been explained sufficiently to me, other than that I should feel guilty if I don’t do it. So it just becomes another in a long list of things I should feel guilty about.

    I can/do show an extra measure of empathy, love, understanding, compasion, stewardship, etc., etc., to families assigned to me, but that does not translate into monthly visits. The focus and motivation for HT is too much on the guilt and duty side of the equation, than on what is in my opinion the true purpose of the program. If my families know I love them, that they can call me anytime, and that I will help them in way I can, then I feel I have done my job, and I really don’t feel bad if I only show up on a bi-monthly or quarterly basis.

    I also feel that monthly in-home visits harken back to a different era. Yes, there is something to be said for face to face contact with each other, but in today’s day and age it is become less and less convenient. If I had the option of sending out a spritual thought or personalized message by email, or even just calling up my families on the phone to see how they were doing, I would have 100% HT stats. Church leaders are starting to use technology more and more (multi-stake conferences by satelite, etc.) I think we could do a better job of staying in contact and achieving the objectives of HT/VT if we were given more leeway to decide what kind of contact constituted a meaningful HT/VT visit.

28. Some thoughts on reading this post and the comments:

    1. I don’t know whether you’ve noticed this, but elders tend to be a little more malleable to being pushed to HT that HPs are. That’s because in order to last long enough in the church to become a HP, you have to sear your HTing conscience with a hot iron. The responsibility returns every single month, year in and year out, and very few people are able to live up to that over the long haul. To last in the church, you can’t allow too much guilt to pile up, or it will be debilitating. HPs have learned how not to be bullied about HTing.

    2. Most of the people on the home teaching rolls are inactives who really don’t want to be contacted. I don’t want to pay the ongoing price for past programs that have tried to goose baptism statistics at the expense of real conversion. And also I respect the desire of people not to be bothered.

    3. Even most actives would just as soon not be bothered with home teaching. One time I got word that a sister in the ward was complaining because her HTer–me–hadn’t been visiting her. Duly chastened, I made an appointment with the husband a week in advance, and confirmed the night before. I show up, and the sister is taking a nap and can’t be bothered, so I just talk to the husband (who was very embarrassed). It was all a show of uber-orthodoxy on her part; she didn’t *really* want her HTer to show up after all.

    4. What does it mean to “do” one’s HTing? The statistics are utterly meaningless, because there is no consistent standard and you can’t compare one ward’s stats with another’s. And trying to meet some arbitrary statistical standard is not something that I have ever found personally motivating.

    5. The logistics of HTing are very difficult. There is basic inertia to have to overcome in the first place. Then you’ve got to find a time when both of your schedules mesh. Then someone has to try to set up appointments with your four to six families. And invariably you can’t reach everyone, and half your families are call screening so as not to talk to you, and of the ones you do reach, they have conflicts and can’t do it then anyway.

    I have many more thoughts on this subject, but I’ll leave it at that for now.

29. I don’t know about the rest of the ward, but I suspect ours is in the 75-85% range. [I don’t know exact number any more. I’m just a Scout Master who doesn’t get to go to all of the PEC meetings anymore… (Grin)] I’m usually a high percentage teacher, but it wasn’t always so. Whoever is conducting in Priesthood opening exercises usually gives us 3 or 4 minutes to make HT appointments. There’s a bit of peer pressure there; having the head of your HT family sitting in the same room, and you not getting up to make an appointment. It seems to work well.

    As for someone not doing HT because… “it has never really been explained sufficiently to me [Talon]”… is kind of a lame excuse. I Know Not, Save the Lord Commanded Me (Moses 5:6) should be enough…

    Marty
    Marty’s (clean) Jokes of the day
    Funny stories about raising 4 LDS boys
    http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

30. It seems to me that HT is geared to be more doctrinal (more important?) while VT is supposed to be more social — which is why we sisters can get away with a phone call or Hallmark card in the mail and call it a “visit” while the brethren are actually supposed to go to the home and teach.

    I’m unconverted to the VT program because it seems so artificial to me: “Here, have a list of assigned friends!” Wow, real sincere. Plus I’m very much an introvert; I don’t feel like I need any new friends, thank you very much, and I’m dreadfully uncomfortable pretending otherwise for the sake of the ward’s good stats.

    Although I have done VTing in the 13 years I’ve been in RS (sometimes consistently, sometimes not, depending on my companion, lol) and have always allowed VTs into my home to visit me when they wanted to come, it has always felt the same: Forced, shallow, pointless. I can read the Ensign by myself, you know.

    So yeah, yeah, I have a terrible attitude about it — I generally give the other excuses (oops, the month just slipped away from me!) rather than the honest ones — but I remain unconvinced that VTing has any real value to the sisters I’ve been assigned or to me. And that’s why I don’t do it (unless I have a companion who’s a real go-getter, lol).

31. Geoff,

    The discipline of celibacy (it’s not a doctrine) is an excellent thing for those called to it, and while it COULD be changed for everyone but bishops, I don’t think it should.

    Now you know one. 🙂

    P.S. Lest anyone wonder, the use of contraception is contrary to human dignity.

32. Brad, thanks for your comments (#31). It is worth pointing out for the purpose of context that I have lived and worked in Latin America for many years, where the disconnect between Catholic church leaders and the actions of everyday Catholics is really quite stark. I mean, try going to Rio de Janeiro around Carnaval time, just to give you one small example. In fairness, it is worth pointing out that Catholics are much more likely to actually follow the teachings of the church in vast areas of Africa and Asia, where many of the new converts live.

    Can I point out that I when I was HPGL, I counted phone calls and letters as a “visit?” So, I think there is room for flexibility on that issue. Some people don’t want to be visited, but there’s nothing wrong with sending them the first presidency message once a month. I think there should be room to make home teaching appropriate for each situation.

    But even with me telling the high priests they could make four phone calls on the 31st of the month and asking them to please do their home teaching, there was always a core group of them who wouldn’t do it. One was very, very shy. None of them were opposed to the concept of home teaching, and to the contrary would talk very highly about their good experiences with it. But they just couldn’t get motivated to do it.

33. I think the lack of VT/HT is due to our society becoming increasingly self-centered.

    The only calculus that matters in whether to visit or not is whether it makes me happy, whether I feel “authentic” when I do it, or whether I’m friends with the people.

    Just an extension of our culture of increasing narcissism.

34. Seth, good point. Service is not about the convenience of the person supposedly doing the serving.

35. Unlike the commenter in #30, I like getting a list of assigned friends. I’m shy enough that I’m unlikely to just spontaneously call another woman in the ward to visit, but once I’ve got a reason to go make a friend, I usually do. I like the friends I’ve made. I’m a better VTer when I have a gung-ho companion. When my comp is a drag, I’ve been known to go alone. I’ve also just quit VTing when I don’t feel any connection with the women I visit.

    I really don’t like those motivational stories about how VTing saved someone’s life because the VTer interrupted thoughts of suicide, or someone did their VTing every month for five years even though the person never answered the door. I’m not going to change anyone’s life. I just want to make a friend and be a friend. Please don’t apply the pressure to rescue a suicide or pester someone who doesn’t want me to come.

    Overall, I like it. Some years I do better than others. But frequently my first and best friends in my ward will be women I’ve met while VTing.

36. Geoff, in my opinion, the denominator of the HT/VT percentage should be “people on the roster who agree to receive HT-ers/VT-ers”.

    ie,

    1. People who want their names to remain on the membership rolls, but who also want no contact should not be included in the percentage, so that will raise the overall percentage.

    2. People on the membership rolls who agree to contact, but haven’t been assigned a HT-er, should be included, which will lower the overall percentage.

    IMO-2, three phone calls attempting to set up an appointment, should equal one visit, even if no face-to-face visit is made. There are many people who won’t go on record as wanting “no contact” but who nevertheless dodge the home teachers with constant excuses. It’s up to the HT-er and the bishop to use discernment to figure out of the dodging rises to the same level of being an equivalent to outright saying they don’t want home teachers.

    In my last ward, an inner city ward, there were well over a hundred families/households who agreed to receive home teachers, but there was just not enough home teachers to go around. They assigned up to 8 households per home-teaching companionship (and still not everyone who wanted a HT was assigned one), and counted phone calls as visits, and left it up to the home-teacher to decide which of those 8 to call and which to visit in person.

    There was also a problem with continuity. When ward leadership changed, the inactives got another round of phone calls asking “Do you want home teachers?” Many inactives ended up getting asked that question 3 times in an 18 month period, bothering those who said “no” all three times, and frustrating those who said “yes” three times, and never received visits. As someone once said, the LDS church is NOT a beehive of coordinated top-down structure imposed in a dictatorial fashion. It’s more like amateurish chaos. And that’s often the challenge (and beauty) of a lay ministry.

    As an ex-member, I can’t do home-teaching, but so far no one has kicked me out of their hospital room, or told me I couldn’t help them move, or kicked me out of the funeral home when I go to the funerals of their family members. One elderly widow, the only LDS member in her family, buried two sons within 2 years of each other. At the 2nd funeral, the bishop and myself were the only other ward members there besides her. Can you imagine an 80-something widow, burying 2 non-member sons, and the only member who came to the funeral was the bishop?

    Geoff, the bottom line answer, IMO, is that people haven’t caught the vision of home-teaching. It’s not just a “program.” It’s the gospel. It’s the priesthood. It’s to be with the widow and orphan in their affliction. It’s to bear one anothers’ burdens. It’s to be with, watch over and strengthen.

    For when I was in sick, or in prison, or grieving, ye visited me. When I was hungry (for the gospel, and didn’t even know it) ye fed me. When I was naked (of the gospel/the Spirit/righteousness, and didn’t even know it) ye clothed me. When I was timid, and too afraid to go to church, ye brought the church to me. When I was friendless, ye befriended me. When I thought I wasn’t worth loving, ye loved me. When I forgot I was a child of God, or forgot my testimony, ye reminded me. When I was blind, ye helped me to see.

37. #25 and #28,

    I concur with the opinions of Greenfrog and Kevin. If we assume hometeaching is “an inspired program”, I would submit there is also very strong evidence that it is a disaster in terms of its execution.

    I think the intent and motives of the “program” are commendable, but the inflexibility in terms of its application, uniformity, and rigidity of format is ultimately why it fails to be a successful program in most instances. I don’t think it’s fair to put all the blame on the member “who fails to do his hometeaching.” Some of the blindspots and weaknesses include:

    1) Not all families need hometeachers all the time

    2) Lack of sincerity inherent in the system (Two of the larger lies in hometeaching can sometimes be the following exchange:

    Hometeacher: Hi Bro. Jones…I’m your new hometeacher…good to see you!
    Hometeachee: Oh…thanks, it’s nice to visit with you too!

    3) Once a month mandatory format is an unrealistic arbitrary forced and imposed standard. You might need more contact, you might need less, but to call out this monthly quota incessantly steals the sincerity and vitality out of the program. The recepient feels like an empty quota, and the zealous hometeacher is just trying to check a box. We can do better.

    4) Reading an Ensign message is less effective (if we’re active, we’ve already read it…we don’t need someone else’s spin or regurgitation of it).

    5) Monthly statistical reporting and preoccupation with the reporting is disingenious and not productive.

    Let me offer proposed suggestions to improve hometeaching, although some of the thinking may be out of the orthodox boxes we like to build and hide between:

    1) Change the emphasis of hometeaching to service rendering (replace reading the Ensign with some act of service)

    2) Take away the monthly quota and replace it with 1) a meaningful act of service once per quarter, 2) find ways to integrate families into wards etc

    3) Allow married couples to team up (and blow out the HT and VT division of labor paradigm)

    4) Allow families to “opt out of hometeaching” active or inactive. Let’s not pretend that one size fits all, and that every family needs a visit every month.

    5) Deploy current hometeaching resources elsewhere (use the current time allocation to research ward rosters of less actives). Determine who wants contact with the Church and who doesn’t. Draw a line in the sand and document peoples wishes or wants accordingly and then move on.

    6) Use Ward councils to prioritize and allocate resources to the families with the greatest needs and deploy those resources in a concentrated and focused way that will make a difference. Pretending to serve everyone, often means serving nobody. Focusing and executing resources on a few at a time can make all the difference over the longer term horizon.

    I’m just not convinced that in it’s current rigid format, we should expect any results different from the status quo. That’s not to say we couldn’t be wildly more successful if some of the rules of engagement were changed.

38. This is a great post. I’ve felt agreement with every single post here. Does that make me schizophrenic? I can share experiences that fit almost every description from the home teacher and home teachee described above. What stands out to me at the moment are times where I’ve felt a strong connection to those whom I’m ministering and have felt a real bond, I will inadvertently get reassigned both a new companionship and a set of families and the “magic” is gone.

    My best experiences have been when I’ve been assigned to inactive companions and have taken my wife along with me instead. When going with an assigned companion, there’s always the awkwardness of who’s “senior” (whether implied or spelled out) and the dynamics of both the visit and the prep and aftermath.

    Now serving in an inner-city branch, I wonder what real contribution I can make and haven’t had much luck bonding in with those I’ve been assigned. In this case, the standard protocol of scheduling monthly visits just hasn’t worked so far. Which is fine because no one is asking for me to report. Come to think of it, I don’t remember reporting my home teaching when the ministering has been the most rewarding. It just seems too pharisaical to report when you’ve done a good deed. I wonder how many do their assignments but don’t ever report doing them for that very reason.

39. I am a Visiting Teaching Supervisor. I have done it a lot of years as it is something that I can do from home. It is important for me to try not to judge sisters when they fall short on this goal. I have learned some things in this calling. Some sisters go through depression where even paying bills can be a challenge. This same sister may have been more focused and able before to at least send a card before. Health problems can also play a factor. There are other challenges as has been outlined. Of course, there are some that merely see it as an assigned friend. I do think the friendship aspect is important. I like chit chat personally. I sure hope that I am not annoying people when I try to make small talk rather than just get the facts. I have developed some good friendships.

    I enjoyed visiting sisters homes and having sisters and brothers in my home before my condition. I did visit some less actives. They were very welcoming to me.

    Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching is about service and stewardship. I know of other Churches that visit shut ins. I am not aware of any Churches that seek to minister to the needs of the many in a like manner.

40. As an active LDS, I would not mind in the least to be home taught annually, if that. And the annual HT visit should be done telephonically, while I’m driving somewhere. To me it is a tedious exercise for the whole family-all very active-to stop what we’re doing to listen to a message I’ve delivered a couple of times already, or will deliver a couple of times. I think my family’s time and the home teacher’s time could be much better spent. (You should hear the groans from my children when I announce the HTers are coming.) I wish we could opt out of being home taught. The ward could then concentrate its fire on families who are struggling or are less active. My activity in the Church has nothing whatsoever to do with home teaching-either being home taught or doing home teaching.

    At the same time, I don’t mind doing my home teaching. My list of families is typically loaded with less actives or families dealing with one type of crisis or another. For people/families going through difficult times, home teachers can be a godsend, and should be. Perhaps its easier to see some usefulness with HT when you’re assigned families with problems who are willing to accept your acts of service. Also, I know HT is a way for the Bishop to multiply his efforts of serving people in the ward and that’s good. But, I am convinced that regular home teaching for strong members is a complete waste of time, imo.

    Also, a spouse makes an excellent HT companion.

41. As a convert I thank all you good Mormons that have home taught me over the years and for the home teaching program. It is one of those programs that has save my life many times and helped me know that Mormons are true Christians. I will not go into all the details but I have had many struggles in life and although I am not activate in the church any time I can get a friendly visit from a member it helps me remember why I joined. I have done some home teaching when I was active and have gone from feelings of not wanting to do it to having some great experiences. I agree that although to most leaders it is about numbers I know it is about quality. Try to spend your most effort with those that need it and keep checking on those that are strong in the church. I have been friends with and have been mostly assigned to those that are not active and some great things can come out of visiting. I am not to big on teaching but I just like to stay in touch to let them know they are important to me and the church. Thanks again.

42. I have liked every single family I have home taught. I have enjoyed visiting all of them. The scheduling and legwork is a pain of course. But once I’m out there, I always enjoy it. I really don’t understand why some people find it to be so painful to speak with their fellow human beings.

    Geez. Sorry to interrupt your World of Warcraft sessions with brief episodes of REAL people. Heaven forbid you should ever be forced to emerge from your suburban caves and act like human beings!

43. I’d like to speak very briefly on the statistics issue. I have had several people, especially new converts, recoil from the idea that the Church is keeping track of all kinds of statistics, especially home teaching and baptism statistics.

    The problem is you have to have some kind of measurement of progress. There is no way to measure “increased spirituality” and “being more in touch with God.” I work very closely with our area mission president, and, interestingly, there is a very close correlation between wards that have good statistics and wards that are growing, contacting inactives, performing baptisms, etc. And, in general, the Spirit is good in those wards.

    There is no way to get around the idea that measuring statistics seems stale and forced. But it is nevertheless important and I support the Church continuing to look at statistics. I hope people will choose to interpret the use of statistics in a positive light — its intention — rather than concentrate on the negative.

44. Seth, #42, you’re unusually aggressive today. Wow, get up on the wrong side of cave? 🙂

45. In a similar vein to Seth’s thought, if we can’t manage home teaching, then what can we manage that bonds the saints? Zion’s a lost cause, and we’re just a bunch of people who attend Sunday services together.

46. Seth, while I agree with your #42, one of my gripes against HT is that I already have too much human interaction. I’m at one job all day giving presentations, talking to clients, dealing with bosses. Then I go to my second job and deal with end users all night. I spend my Sunday’s in meetings and teaching classes. My life is filled to the brim with real people. My favorite time of day is when I get to drive home in total silence after two jobs and before the nightly kids routine.

    Something else that nobody has mentioned yet- I hate that quarterly EQ meeting where the EQ President puts the lesson on hold to discuss the dismal HT stats and we’re presented with the comparison between VT and High Priest stats to make us feel guilty. If I have to listen to that comparison one more time, I think my head will explode.

    I don’t know about your wards, but in my ward most HP’s are post retirement age. Their kids are grown and they spend the day watching Judge Judy and going to Wal-Mart to fill their prescriptions. They really have no excuse to not do their HT. And I don’t know about your wives, but mine has a lot easier time doing VT and being visit taught than I have doing my HT. Yeah she’s got the kids and definately works harder than I do. But kid duties aside, her day isn’t as structured as mine. And a card or a phone call- or even a 5 minute visit (which is the way my wife is mostly visit taught) is much more feasible than the scheduling and lesson-giving that I have to do.

    So please don’t present me with the comparison of EQ vs. HP and RS. It’s a bullcrap comparison and it only makes me less motivated to do my HT.

    Another thing- and this may actually underscore the importance of HT, at least as a matter of self-discipline. Personally it is much easier for me to live the WoW or Law of Chastity than it is for me to do my home teaching. It’s not too tough for me to use the stairs at work or to avoid buying a pack of cigarettes. And it’s not really difficult for me to skip past the high-number channels on my Dish Network channel guide. It is, however, quite a feat to schedule and carry out my HT assignment.

47. Hey, he asked a provacative question and I gave an honest answer (for once; as I said, I’m usually more comfortable giving the standard less-offensive reasons). Am I seriously the only antisocial person in the church?

48. Geoff B: “I work very closely with our area mission president, and, interestingly, there is a very close correlation between wards that have good statistics and wards that are growing, contacting inactives, performing baptisms, etc.“

    That’s close to what I’ve been thinking: “If you don’t take care of the members you have, the Lord won’t give you more members.”

    Why should the Lord give a ward more members if the ward isn’t taking care of the members they have? Why give shepherds more sheep if they’re not taking care of the sheep they have? Why bring in more converts if the ward is just going to let them fall through the cracks?

    Maybe it’s better that the Lord “hold back” those converts for a future time when they can be given good examples in the ward. Because if the weaker converts join too early, and are given bad examples they’ll just be turned off and maybe driven away permanently.

    That’s kind of a corollary to the parable of the talents, “Do good with what ya got, the Lord will give you more. Don’t do good with what ya got, the Lord will take it away.”

    The end result is, if you want a LIGHTER home-teaching load (less number of households per priesthood holder to visit), do MORE home-teaching, and the Lord will bring in new members that will catch the vision and help you out with home-teaching. And the Lord will likely even re-activate some inactive elders. With no member contact whatsoever, the Lord, working through the Spirit, is capable of motivating people out of the blue to get their butt back to church. It happened to me, and several others in my last ward. I’ve seen both inactive members and brand new investigators just show up at church out of the blue with no human contact bringing them in.

    And if the Lord can motivate people on his own, think what he could do with a core of home-teachers (or full time missionaries) who act as his hands, feet, and voice.

49. Bookslinger, #48, Amen and amen!!!

50. Interesting thread. I am not a fan of HT/VT. I will go if I have a companion who is gung-ho, but otherwise I don’t, and if my HT/VT don’t come, I’m relieved. Why? The entire thing is an exercise in humiliation.

    At this point I have three women my companion and I are supposed to visit. Two want nothing to do with us and have made that clear to us, so that leaves us with one person to VT. Pretty easy, right? She’s active and is fine with us coming. So the three of us sit down and try to make small talk. Here it becomes excruciating. I’m pretty shy, but my comp is even more shy, and the sister we teach sits there smiling at us waiting for us to say something. So I try to come up with small talk, and it is dumb and pointless and sounds so forced, and we all shift uncomfortably and look at each other with embarrassment. After a few polite minutes of small talk, poorly executed though it is, we move on to the message, which amounts to a quote or two about “Yay, Relief Society is awesome!” or “Yay, families are awesome!”, which everyone in the room already knows and don’t care and the message is pointless, and everyone knows it’s pointless, and so we’re all embarrassed. We ask if she needs anything, and she says no, and we leave.

    And it’s humiliating and shallow and pointless. Negative reinforcement, anyone? It doesn’t take more than a couple years of that to thoroughly despise the entire program, but if you try to just honestly opt out, suddenly you’re the anti-Christ.

    But that’s just me. I accept that others get more mileage out of these specific programs. I, however, don’t believe you can assign a friendship. It doesn’t work.

51. Confession time. Since my second kid my home teaching has been flaky at best. Why? My companion works nights and we have early church. Typically Saturday nights at least one kid is teething. Which means I’m lucky to get 4 – 6 hours sleep. Then our Church starts at 9 which means by wife has to get ready and I have to get two kids ready. Add in all the sleep deprivation through the week and my calling in nursery and by the time we get home from Church we’re exhausted. We then have to feed and somehow get kids to naps who don’t want them. I’m pretty exhausted and given a choice between scheduling appointments when everyone wants them (Sunday afternoon) and getting some much needed sleep… Well, I hate to confess to it but I’ve taken sleep most of the time the past year.

    I feel horrible about it. (Although clearly not horrible enough) Before then I always had 100% home teaching.

    My only consolation is that through a quirk the guy I HT also HTes me. And he’s done little better for nearly identical reasons.

    I keep saying I’ll do better but I’m really in no position to criticize anyone else. I’m quite the sinner in all this.

52. I am a complete and abject failure as a Visiting Teacher, and probably always will be. I rejoice in my assignment in the Primary, because it keeps me out of Relief Society (which I really can’t stand) — it’s also a handy excuse for why I don’t know anyone in the ward, or rather a better sounding one than “I sit quietly and try to be invisible during all of my meetings, because I don’t know anyone, which is why I never will know anyone.” In any case, VT visits are pure torture for me, though to be fair the experience on the “receiving” end has been so miserable (even on the rare occasions in which one or more of my assigned teachers actually wants to be there) and apparently the same problem exists for all of the people I’ve been assigned to as a companion, because I’ve never actually visited anyone. My ward finally noticed, and now I’m on the “write letters to people who will throw them away” squad.

    Having said that, let me explain at least one part of why I make a lousy VT teacher AND teachee. On Myers-Brigg personality tests I typically max out on the Introversion side (I’m an INTJ for those who have any idea what this sentence means.) I’m not that into “communion,” and if someone told mean that the Celestial Kingdom was going to involve constant interaction with other people, I’d opt for almost any other alternative. I usually go about a year between boyfriends, in part because I enjoy the solitude after having an extended period of time of constant interaction with another person. My idea of a great VT experience would involve a hand-written letter delivered by the postman, without treats attached — maybe we could say “hi” in the hallway at church too (right now, one of my VTs is our Primary President, so we actually see quite a lot of each other.) And, my idea of a good time on Sunday would involve a couch, an atrium, a lot of books, and maybe some hymns playing in the background. Maybe a locked door, too, depending on how many people who “just don’t get” why I need alone time happen to be nearby. I’m not exactly “proud” of this aspect of my personality (the way I am, say, of my LSAT score ^_^,) but at the same time, comments like Seth’s #42 annoy me.

    Becoming wiped out, grumpy, and frankly depressed from interaction with people (especially total strangers who don’t want me there) isn’t a sin — it’s how I’ve been since I was a small child, and it’s how quite a few other people are, too (I’ve seen estimates as high as 25% in the US,) despite the pressures from extroverts who often don’t have any idea how much they wipe us out, and occasionally go so far as to cast aspersions on the character of people who would just like some quiet now, thanks so much for going away. There is no commandment “thou shalt enjoy spending excessive amounts of time with people,” and frankly, the stuff that IS a commandment (go to church, for instance) would be pure torture for me if it weren’t for the fact that I now spend a very large portion of my time at church supervising some of the cutest kids around. We play “the Quiet game” a lot in my classes, which is also great (I love 7 year olds.)

    And just for the record, Seth. I don’t play WoW. I’m too busy doing other things, by myself. There are books to read on this very subject, incidentally:
    http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Temperament-Character-Intelligence/dp/1885705026/

53. Yes Geoff, I am in a grouchy mood. I’ve been slightly sick all week, as it happens.

    I’m currently in an EQ presidency. Our approach right now is that everyone on the rosters get a home-teaching companionship. As per our Stake President’s instructions, there is no “Do Not Contact” list. But bear with me, we’ve tried to handle it constructively.

    Each companionship gets several families. We try to make sure everyone has some active families that are easy to teach and won’t be too demanding. We’ve specifically told the Elders Quorum that THEY decide what counts as a “contact.” It could be a traditional visit, it could be seeing them at work, it could be a postcard or email message. We encourage them to be creative and offer whatever will be accepted and whatever they are capable of. Neither are they expected to continue contacting someone who has asked for no further contact. In those cases, we simply ask that they continue to pray for the well-being of those people. This way, no one on the ward roster is neglected. All are being served as much as can be expected.

    Our Stake President said that he realizes that this practice will most certainly drag down our Home Teaching numbers – we won’t be able to shunt problem people off onto do-not-contact-neverland anymore and pad our numbers artificially with easy-to-reach members.

    He said, quote: “don’t worry about me. I can take it. The regional representatives will come down occasionally, and they will reprimand me for low numbers. And then they will go away. And that’s just fine.”

    I don’t yell at people, and we try not to lecture too much. We try to be flexible about this. But, at the end of the day, are you on-board or not?

54. And Sarah, if you were my home-teachee, I would hope that you would explain things to me. At which point, I would be happy to send you an email once a month and call it good. Our program would also allow that.

    You’ll find I’m a lot more flexible in person than my online persona portrays.

55. We discussed this on M* in Nov 2005:
    https://www.millennialstar.org/index.php/2005/11/22/invitation_to_primary

    If the fellowshipping and nurturing of HT/VT was left up to spontaneous efforts, most people (especially the obnoxious jerks like me) would fall through the cracks and not be fellowshipped.

    Organization and planning helps prevent people from falling through the cracks. But the flip side is that you as HT/VT-er, and the person receiving you, both know up front that you wouldn’t be there if you hadn’t been assigned. The challenge is to overcome that initial premise, develop genuine love for the person you’re visiting, and convey it.

    The people you home/visit teach, whether active or inactive, know that you’re assigned, and know that you’re supposed to visit once a month and present a short lesson. But the magic begins when you do a little more.

    I used to wonder why there wasn’t a handbook that gave ideas on things to do as a home teacher or visiting teacher besides the perfunctory visit and lesson. I then realized that it’s actually easier without a list of suggestions because anything then becomes the second mile. By lowering the bar to _anything_, the second mile is easier to achieve.

    No matter how the HT/VT program is reworked as policy in the church, quarterly/monthly, visit/phone-call, lesson-versus-chit-chat, as long as it’s a program, the people on the receiving end will realize the HT/VT-er is “just working off of page such-and-such.”

    HT/VT-ers should get out of “checklist-mode” and look at fulfilling needs, being friends, and using the assignment as an opportunity to learn to be Christ-like.

    Not every less-active person will be reactivated. Not every HT/VT relationship is going to be worthy to write about in the Ensign. Not everyone you’re assigned to is going to need you. But hey, if you HT/VT one of the ward pillars like the bishop or the RS pres, use them as practice to learn how to be a good HT/VT-er to those who do need you. Let them be your guinea pigs while you develop your skills.

    Maybe the ward pillars need their batteries charged every once in a while too. They get leaned on all the time, so maybe let them lean on you in a way where you can be of service. The ward pillars get their time eaten up in tending to emergencies, so something as simple as mowing their lawn, driving their kids someplace, washing their car, may mean a lot to them.

    My bishop used to do interviews during youth night at church. Some interviews (including mine) caused him to go way late. But his son who was participating at youth night had to wait at the chapel until he was done with interviews. I offered to give his kid a ride home so the kid wouldn’t have to stay up on a school night, and so the bishop could attend to the rest of his interviews.

    The ultimate goal is not visits and lessons. The ultimate goal is fellowshipping, meeting needs, spiritually feeding each other, Christ-like service and love. Even active gung-ho members need people they can count on.

56. Sarah, maybe you could ask to VT a few of the moms with 7 year old children. Babysitting their children once a month might count as a VT visit.

57. Sarah, I can definitely relate. I show up as INTP about 80% of the time, and INTJ the other 20%. I actually would be very, very happy if VTing moved more to email. Communication would be much more frequent, which would, indeed more likely lead to friendships, which would lead to much better fellowshipping. I tried to do that, but found a lot of reticence, so backed off. Maybe I’ll try again if I ever move. I did, however, explain the whole introversion thing to the RS president during visiting teaching interviews a couple months ago and she gave me her email address and told me to email her if I ever needed anything (after I told her I didn’t ever see my HT or VT but was quite fine with that), and that’s totally something I will do if I need something.

58. INFP over here (heavy on the I). You two expressed it better than I did, though. 🙂 I would LOVE email VTing.

59. I really like Bookslinger’s remarks.

    I am very shy around some people. I do really well if the person on the other end is talkative. I had a very special experience getting to know a woman who was not very expressive with speech, but always very sweet. As time went on, I learned a possible explanation as she started to go to a group therapy where goals were set each week. I beleive part of the goals included being able to express herself and emotions.

    I get very close to people by email. I also get close to people in face to face contact though I have challenges at present as to why that does not work for me.

    I think that you can use icebreakers such as a cute craft item like the spider that my visiting teacher gave me. Maybe you could bring pictures of a trip for conversation or of your pet. I am just thinking outloud, but I know when giving a speech that visual aides can help a lot.

60. I like Seth and Bookslinger’s comments. And I like face to face visits with chitchat. I don’t care if they’re coming just to check off a box; it’s nice to see them anyway.

61. Great comments! As a convert it is great to here how other members feel. I think I have experienced many if not all the above experiences expressed above. All I can add is statistics are important to see if any changes need to be made. As for 100% HT completion I would say that using the spirit or your best instincts is the best guide. If you have some people that need a lot of help then try to do as much as you can. If you have people to teach that just need a phone call then just call. I think this is one calling where you really need to make the call on how to set the guide lines. This is coming from one that would rather solve my own problems and doesn’t like other knowing my business. However, there have been times when it was nice to have some help. Again we need to decide if we feel we don’t want to be visiting this person or is it your best instincts\spirit telling you that you need to readjust how or how much you are teaching\visiting them. I know the 100% reporting is important but quality is key for me. A lot of this is just to make the bishop look for Salt Lake and who among us doesn’t like to look good to others. I would just like to thank you Mormons again for the years that you have made the extra effort to keep in touch with me. I know how hard it is just to have a normal life but you Mormons are super great at going way beyond what is the norm for a good person to look after each other. I do not know of any other group of normal people that looks after each other all well as the LDS members. Do we have failings? Yes. But I am impressed and one last thing; stop with the guilt. Mormons are second or third only to the Jews or Catholics. Just from one converts impression you people are A number one and doing great.

62. Maybe they don’t home teach because they are spending hours reading this blog 🙂

    Notice I didn’t say “DO” their home teaching. Home teaching is never done. A visit might have been made during the month, but the home teacher is still on call 24/7, IMNSHO.

    Two words sum up why home teaching doesn’t happen. Accountability and love. The leadership needs to hold their quorum/group accountable by holding regular home teaching interviews, with BOTH home teachers. Notice I didn’t call them “PPIs”, for these intervies aren’t personal priesthood interviews, like the one I have with the Bishop on a regular basis (I’m the ward mission leader. And yes, I’ve been an EQP, counselor, and HP assistant). Regular as in monthly, until home teaching numbers improve to an acceptable level. As an EQP, I held them monthly. In the HPG we held them quarterly for the first year, then every six months thereafter. Anyone guess why? And we didn’t focuse on percentages, although that is a measurement of commitment. We focused on how the companiship worked together, and the visits themselves.

    I mention love last but it really should be first and foremost. If we really believe what Christ said: “As I have loved you, love one another”, home teaching, or any assignment in the church wouldn’t be considered a burden, but a blessing and a way for us to show Heavenly Father and His Son how much we love them, and how much we love His children.Some may say this is simplistic. I say it’s the core doctrine of the gospel.

    Being a Christian is never convenient.

63. Geez. Sorry to interrupt your World of Warcraft sessions with brief episodes of REAL people. Heaven forbid you should ever be forced to emerge from your suburban caves and act like human beings!

    Because of course nobody could have a valid excuse for not wanting to visit total strangers that (in my experience) usually look at you as a bothersome interruption to time they could be spending with their family. It must be video games! No wait, it’s because we love ourselves more than anyone else.

    I understand your frustration. But I’m one of those people that gladly accept a phone call instead of the monthly visit on the last day of the month. At least that 5 minute phone call doesn’t force them to try as hard to pretend to care about my family or the lesson they read in the car on the way to my home.

    Why do I think people don’t do their home teaching?
    1.Constant shuffling of companionships and assigned families. I’ve lived in the current ward for 2.5 years. In that time our ward and stake have both been reorganized. We’ve had four different companionships assigned to us(only one was around long enough to get to know us). I’m pretty shy, making friends is hard enough, it’s only harder when you know these friends have been assigned to you and in six months when they move to another family you probably won’t get more than a nod in the hallway at church.
    2.The visit. Some people are just not people persons. Either the teacher or their family may not want to sit on the couch and talk for an hour. I communicate with my own family more over the phone and through email than I do in person. Why can’t my home teachers communicate with me this way? Isn’t the most convenient contact for both parties better than shoe-horning a sit-on-the-couch-and-chit-chat visit?
    3. The companionships aren’t set up to make VT/HT work. I’ve had companions that are less-active, companions that work opposite shifts than I do and companions that just don’t want to do it. Why not let my wife and I visit two or three familes? Let us bring our kids if we want. I was my dad’s companion for years as a teenager, we never had scheduling problems.

64. Mental illness is convenient for some things. Because I am not able to go places very easily, I am able to visit teach a sister by email. Also, I have trouble having company so I had a visiting teacher who used to email me a lot. In both cases, we were friends and would exchange emails regardless of assignemnt. I try to focus on both our friendship and also if there is something I can do as a Visiting Teacher although I am not good for much in the sense of helping people out due to my problems.

    Email is not for everyone. I have had relatives and others who I have tried to initiate relationships with email and some were more receptive than others.

    As I am a person who walks around in the course of the day composing things in my head, this form of communication works well for me. I also like the fact that I reach the person when it is convenient for them.

    My current Visiting Teacher sends letters and calls. She really is not into email. I sent her one and she mentioned it when talked much later. She does not check email much and said that she feels that it is so after the fact when she does that she does not respond to the email.

    Even if I were to visit in person, I think email is a good way to develop friendships for those that enjoy this medium.

65. The tone of this may be negative. I want to preface it by saying that I do believe much good is done through the Visiting Teaching/Home Teaching program. These comments are more broad than even the programs themselves. They are my feelings as someone who does not attend Church on Sundays due to my personal problems. I like to think that I am justified in this, but it is hard when the only thing holding me back is me and my emotional problems. I never thought I would be in this situation. I am as human as the rest and make assumptions about others. However, we need to be careful to make judgements about less actives. People can be less active for a variety of reasons. I am not saying that reading scriptures and praying substitute for Church as we should do both. It is important to not assume that a less active person does not try to stay Spiritual in other areas. They may or may not.

    As for myself, I find a little personal humor in the fact that I am addicted to the ‘Nacle and a LDS Forums and have so much exposure to the LDS World that way.

    When someone says no contact, there may be serious reasons for this. I have spoken of this before on this blog. People may assume that I can just go outside anytime that I please and am rude for not wanting someone to visit. Of a truth, I often avoid going out the door unless I have just taken a bath and have on clean clothes. I do not want to contaminate our porch. Also, there are things such as work gloves that other family members put on my porch and I worry about people coming on my porch.

    There are so many times that I would love to invite family and friends over that I do not. Any visit is wrought with much pain for me. I have on rare occassions invited people over. And I have no control if they come over on their own as it is my parent’s home. Holidays are excruciating for me. That does not mean that I do not have good memories once the pain fades. However, I hate to think of my having a good time at what in my mind is at the expense of another’s safety. If I never had to have human contact again with anybody and could communicate solely by computer or phone, I think I would be content.

    There have been times when an individual called to invite me to do things that I was not able to do and they seemed insensitive. I thought it was the same person on both occassions. I think this same person called once and was all cool when I explained I had ocd. Yes, a lot of people can be cool once or twice and then say something that will sear you with pain later even if they don’t mean to do so.

    He called one time to ask if I could hand out papers about the new temple that was opening soon in my city. I said no. I think it was pretty much click after that. I know he had a ton of calls, but I do not think I had any contact with the Church at all for months and having heard on an earlier occassion that I had ocd, he might have taken a moment to be personable and friendly. I did not want to go into the fact that just walking up the street makes me nervous as there may be something on the sidewalk that I worry is a contaminate such as a rag or dead animals. Plus, I do not like to touch something that another person is going to touch. I don’t mail out my own letters for that matter.

    At a later date, I think it was the same person who called to invite me to Nauvoo. I was saying a little of my situation and he was trying to say how there were things that were not as public. Well, there are so many unknowns that I really cannot control how I am going to do on a trip. From the above, you can see the slightest thing can set me off. I went to Stake Conference a few years ago, and the car of the people who gave me a ride had a light on the bumper(tail light?) that was broken. I said something to them as I try to keep things in but that bothered me so much. It didn’t seem to phase them, but I was worried about it the whole time. A baby sat in front of me and I was so scared I could be a danger. I did not attend Church for what I think was about a year after that. This was all heightened by the very talk that was given at Stake Conference that in my unstable mental state made me more anxious. I am sure many found the talk to be wonderful and inspiring. To people with mental illness, reading the scriptures at times make a person digress into scary spirals of thinking they are a sinner or an unworhty parent. I usually find comfort in the scriptures, but I use this to illustrate a point that the fault was not with the speaker necessarily although I heard the same words worded a little better by a General Authority and I was a lot better with what was said.

    It just hurts to have people make judgments about me. I did not go to my nieces first birthday and so many other family events. I am a family person. Before my problems, I enjoyed socializtion with family. I skipped a lot of trips to visit family.

    It felt like that man was hanging up on me.

    To have people treat like I am rude or hostile when it is a mental illnes is hard. I don’t like having to explain myself.

    Then, people forget and do things that I tell them not or maybe they don’t forget. My Relief Society President called one morning when I was sick and said a sister from the Stake wanted to visit me. I had told this Relief Society President before how I do not want anybody on my porch including her period. She said they wanted to visit on my porch. I don’t know if she just forgot or what. Fortunatly, she took my being sick as a good excuse and the exchange went well as I did not feel like reminding her of how painful it is to have people on the porch. Maybe she knew but thought she could ask. That is putting me on the spot! Visits cause me pain. They don’t lead to my being active.

    A couple of charming Elders came by one day and were probing me and saying how much the ward needs me. When I said I had ocd, they didn’t skip a bit by saying others have ocd and I could help those people. They were sweet as could be and I appreciated their effort. I felt like I should have said somewhere in there how I too had heard Elder Bendar’s talk.

    However, mental illness is not about fellowship. People have tried to control the environment at Church for me to go and feel comfortable but there are too many variables.

    I do go some places and of course that leads to guilt. But different environments are easier than others.

    My dad also has a hot temper and once when my mom sent Home Teachers away who came without calling, my dad started yelling. In this case, he thought she was rude for sending them away. He wanted them to enjoy our yard that he worked so hard to make nice. He is not LDS but likes LDS people having worked with a lot of them. My mom sent them away knowing I have a lot of problems and I think I was asleep at the time. You may be causing a real conflict in a home when you show up without an invite.

    I did let my Home Teachers stand on my sidewalk last year and the first time it went well. The next time, I asked them prior to visiting if we could do the same thing and the one said yes. When they get here, they asked if they could come in the yard. I was afraid the entry to my yard including gate and such were contaminated and they were going to Church. One of them had a baby though it was not with him. I stood there stunned and numb and angry to be put on the spot. I said no! I try to be polite. I consider myself friendly. I don’t like conflict and prefer to be left alone. My dad annoucned that in the future they would have to visit in our home. That made me afraid so when my Home Teacher called next, I said that it was too cold to come.

    If you visit a less active, please don’t assume you know anything about them, their heart, or their situation.

66. Wonderful thoughts, even the negative one. They reflect the difficulty of this type of service in a time when life is going a million miles an hour for all of us.

    I have a strong testimony of these programs and what they can accomplish in the lives of others when we reach out. But, the older I get, the more strongly I feel that we must practice moderation in all things. We can only do what we can do and if we do one thing–or twenty things–less than perfectly, it’s still the best we can do and God isn’t going to get us. We are so hard on ourselves, we Mormons.

    We do what we can, if at this time, it’s nothing, Jesus will take up the slack and in the long run, all will be made right. I don’t always live that principle, I beat myself up like anybody else, but I believe it.

67. Great words, Annegb!

    I wanted to say that I do believe that most people are good in heart and want to serve. And I should not fault them where they lack understaning in my siutation. I don’t even have the compassion I should even for people with ocd that I see on t.v. What they worry about seems so illogical to even me at times.

    Life is often about coming to a greater understanding. I have been touched by many and should not fault those who fall short.

    I bear a bit of a grude go certain people in the ‘nacle who have not returned emails when I wrote of such serious matters. I understand that they may feel it compromises them to write me or may have other reasons. Nevertheless, I like them all as a person and respect what they do. I know everybody works much harder than me. I think I am bad about feeling a little entitled. I think if someone knows I have ocd that they would be nice to me. Pity that poor girl! However, the truth is that much is good in my life and even if it were so pathetic, I cannot expect people to want to befriend me. I actually prefer friendships based on mutual respect rather than someone feeling sorry for me.

    I guess we should not assume reasons why people do not do the VT/HT or what their intentions are. I know that when I had a period of just being a VT Supervisor although I had done VT in the past, it was easier for me to judge than when I had my own route and challenges.

    I am so grateful when those I VT are receptive and hope that I would show that teach me that I am receptive to their efforts. I can be cynical and negagive. I have to fight against that. I also can get rather paranoid. This post and comments by friends of mine in the ‘nacle and on LDS forums actually has helped me with some of my issues.

68. “As for someone not doing HT because… “it has never really been explained sufficiently to me [Talon]”… is kind of a lame excuse. I Know Not, Save the Lord Commanded Me (Moses 5:6) should be enough…”

    Agreed, but considering the low HT/VT stats that seem to abound, there are a lot of people that are not buying into the program, commandment notwithstanding.

    I was just offering my two cents, lame or otherwise. I think the program could use an overhall that is all. Some may think my attitude needs an overhall, fair enough.

    “one last thing; stop with the guilt. Mormons are second or third only to the Jews or Catholics.”

    Amen and amen!

69. I should probably use my name and think I promised someone as much that I always would. And I know that I am probably not hiding behind the anonymous as I have commented so much in the ‘nacle about my “issues” that it would take uncanny coincidences to not be one in the same person. I thought I would leave my comments at where they stood earlier.

    However, I want to express more what it feels like in specifics to be on the other side of the fence–the side I never expected to be on. I never thought it would happen to me–being less active or inactive–whatever the label-and I heard once if you have a calling you are active-so maybe I am active though I have not been to Church in a long time.

    I like to rationalize myself in ways that put me above people who are not less active due to the problems that I have. In reality, we all have our challenges and I have no right to minimize or judge them.

    I have been blessed to have friends in my ward. My Visiting Teacher has been a friend for years though never very close or constant contact. She called me up and let me know she was assigned some time within the last year and asked how I was. I was like good. She was like, “I haven’t seen you at Church.” I said I have not been that good. I have times when I think I am on the brink and times when I think I should try and then there are setbacks. I didn’t go into all this. I feel like I have to justify working even to people. There have been times when I had to miss work due to my problems or almost lost my job in ways related to my problems. In addition, there are dynamics of work that are different from Church as I believe she should know as she is privy to my personal circumstances. Then again, I was forwarded a letter once by her husband where he said that after my experience working at a fastfood restaurant that I thought that everyone was contaminated. This following a good Sunday that I had and he said how I seemed normal. Do you have any idea how it feels to be under a telescope and have people, however, well-intentioned monitoring how you are doing. I just want acceptance when I am doing bad and good. He is a wonderful man and he and his former wife have done far too much for me than I can mention. I am sure he did not know the letter was forwarded. I was upset as being as close to him and his wife when the initial spiral down hill happened, I thought he knew that I am not worried about the contamination of other people(with a few exceptions that would probably bother most people). I worry that I am contaminated and could harm others. I am doing a lot better with that of late. But not so much to change my behavior yet. I had a huge setback this week. And I may compeletly digress. If I did not think I was so incompetent in daily functioning skills and doing personal things that a children could do, I would not think myself so contaminated. But abuse and comments by others and possible learning disabilities, in my opinion, have played a role in all this.

    This may be rationalization, but I think of the most stressful jobs like at airports dealing with landing of planes. I think I heard that a lot of people quit that job due to stress. Well, as much as I would like to just quit my life, I have heard that is not an option. So I am just trying to get through life and not kill myself and feel that I am doing good in that. It is not like I am generally suicidal or anything these days. It is just given an option of that being acceptable to God, I would want out of this life provided my family would be able to go on without me.

    Back to my Visiting Teacher, she is a remarkable woman who I have wanted to have respect me as I am no longer the young girl she knew when I first joined the Church. And recently we did have something where she did make me feel something I did was of value.

    I am sure they are probably just form letters sent to all the people on her list, but I have received letters that bothered me. One gave an analogy of how you would not go a day or so without food and yet could go for years without praying or reading scriptures and be spiritually starving and then invited to Stake Conference. I hated the hidden assumptions that less active people do nothing to try to increase their spirituality. I really think people need to more sensitve to less actives as well as people with word of wisdom problems. In regards to word of wisdom problems, I know of people who have had Home Teachers take it upon themselves to preach about this making a memeber on the fringe even more upset. And this was a situation of a wife joining the Church and so wanting to be active and them further alienating her husband due to his word of wisdom problem really hurt. I don’t have any word of wisdom problems unless there is something in my vitamins I don’t know about. I tell those giving them to me to make sure there is no green tea and such.

    Another letter was a reminder to watch General Conference saying if you could only excercise a particle of faith… and basically watch Conference. Since getting cable in my own home, I have so looked forward to this opportunity. And before cable, I would try to go to family members homes some times who were not memebers and kind enough to let me watch. But I have trouble going to even family members homes so this is such a blessing to have cable. My sister who is the ultimate sweetheart did tape General Conference for me once. But I am very neurotic and worry about infractions of copyrights as they have that note at the front so I don’t like people to tape it. She also stayed at a Marriott once and said she should give me a Book of Mormon. What a cutie. I may have mentioned I am the only member in my family.

    While I am venting, I want to mention how people always ask if there is anything they could do. The only thing I asked a few different people was that they might give me a copy of a Book of Mormon. They would tell me to call the 800 number. I felt that would be wrong as that is for nonmembers. Or someone who came by univintived and was trying to get back asked to bring it by. Earlier I have outlined how hard it is to have people at my home. And believe me, I have had a lot of anxiety issues related to the aftermath of visitors in my home including VT and HT. I asked if they could mail it as I did that a few times as a missionary when a request. These people seemed bothered by it so I ultimately said to forget about it in that ever polite way to not offend them. Well, I don’t like touching books that I think are contaminated not because I worry about harming myself but because I don’t want to contaminate myself to harm others. My ceiling had fallen somewhat on my book when the roof was leaking. I don’t know if it was lost or what. My mom who as I mentioned is not a member took it upon herself to tell me that she cleaned my Book of Mormon that I had not had for I don’t know how long. I was so touched. Before I had my Book of Mormon to read, I would try to go through all the scriptures that I had memorized before going to bed.

    I know that I have given enough specifics that if my Visiting Teacher or her husband should read that they may recognize themselves. Without the specifics, I do not think I could make the point as well. And their friendship and goodness and example far surpasses what are probably form letters. I just illustrate them showing that if they bother me that they may bother others. Then again, they may be exactly what somebody wants to hear.

    I used to be so sweet. I hate that I have lost so much of that. Maybe a lot of it deals with getting older. A lot of it is from all I have experienced. However, if goodness comes from being untried, then it really is not sincere goodness.

    It was easy to want to do right when I felt so completely blessed. When you feel like your life is in shambles and you are probably going to Hell any ways, then what you do is really a show of faith. That was my life before. I showed forth a small amount of effort and I felt the windows of heaven open. I am not talking about angels visiting or anything. I was sweet but in my state I was to some degree too pius in the wrong sense of the world as I thought I was such an incredible example to others. I don’t know if nearly going insane opened my eyes to all that. I hope to get my life back and be more humble in the process. I hate how often I think about how members of the Church annoy me. If I didn’t have a testimony, I would have left a long time ago. I much prefer my Church of youth. I don’t need friends from Church. I don’t really need friends outside of my family. Friends are nice and mean a lot to me. But my dysfunctional family is the one who has stood by me more than anything and love me. I have known many wonderful examples in the Church. I just wish they didn’t want anything from me such as going to Church. Or tyring to get my temple recommend back. I ask how is someone who thinks they are potentially killing people day in and day out supposed to feel worthy to take the Sacrament or go to Church. I have had people say that people are protected at Church so I should just go. Were it so easy. That adds to my guilt though of not knowing to take them up on the promose and if I do go feeling all the more guilty at being there at times. Another person, said I am supposed to think of all the things that I am thankful for and that will make me get over ocd. I don’t want to say exactly who this person was. And maybe they were inspired. From what I know, you are supposed to leave the counseling of such matters to therapist. That is not a perscription for ocd from anything I have ever read. This person had done a talk recently on perfectionism and I think he lumped me with that. I have heard that can help with people who never feel happy that things are good enough. I am not a perfectionist to the degree of a lot of people. And I was extremely happy before ocd despite what may have been some perfectionism going on. Perfectionism is fairly normal in cass of abuse. And I have been fairly happy much of the time in the last few years. I limit where I go and what I do. That helps me to survive. I hope I can get on the right track or that it will be acceptable to God. I really don’t want anybody on my back. I don’t want people saying I am all great when I do something good either. I just want acceptance. I don’t want anybody to expect anything of me. This is long, let’s see if it will post and if it does how long it takes regret to set in for writing it in the first place.

70. In regards to saying members annoy me, I feel I should make a few comments to explain. First, there is much irony in my saying this because due to my ocd, I am one of the most annoying people that there is. Prior to ocd, I was good at keeping everything to myself and was even loving and kind to abusive parent after becoming LDS.

    What annoys me is attitudes towards less active. I realize that I am not above having those same sentiments at time.

    It also annoys me how begruding people can be with giving service. Also, people judging people in need whether financial or emotional is annoying. Maybe annoying isn’t the right word.

    That being said, there are many LDS who I like. Even those that annoy me in small shortcomings have meant so much to me through the years.

    Also, there are those who understand what service are about among the LDS. GeoffB seems to understand the heart needed to do Home Teaching and that touches me. Those who serve and do with love build me up even though I am not the person they are serving. That is why I respect so many in the ‘nacle.

71. How deeply I regret being so specific in my states on visiting teaching. I am not sure if there is anything of merit to discussing how I have felt as a less active. I believe it was selfish of me to be so specific knowing that if the person/persons that I spoke of were to read that they would likely recognize themselves. I do not think my visiting teaching reads here. I am not sure about her husband. I don’t know if I should apologize. But I can’t apologize without hurting feelings.

    And the bottom line is that what she was doing was serving me. If I were to tell you specifically about my Visiting Teacher and how she has made so much of her condition, it would really make me seem shallow for what I said. I were to relate the special accomodations that she, her husband, and my home teacher tried to make to make me feel comfortable at Church, I would reveal how small-minded I can be at picking fault. If I were to relate how many rides my Home Teacher gave me through the years and especially taking me to see a Bishop who was trying to help me get my temple recommend back and regain activity, then you would know how there is nothing cute or clever about saying I am annoyed. I hate that I have started that line of thinking. These are my brothers and sisters who love the Gospel. My Bishop was especially kind to listen to me as a mental health professional could not stand me. My nonmember parents were most grateful that he spent so much time with me as they know how very hard it can be to listen to my racing mind.

    Also, I like to draw attention at times. It is a lie to say that I do not want friends among Latter Day Saints. My closest friend outside of my family is a Latter Day Saint. I also consider those I visit teach as well as my visiting teacher to be a friend. And I need the fellowship provided by them. I also have met a lot of faithful online brothers and sisters. Some of them have shared testimonies that have really touched me and softened my heart.

    Also, I wanted to clarify that when I said that when someone serves another that they build me up even if I am not the one served that I meant if they share that experience in a blog or on a forum or if I hear about it in some way. If I don’t know about it, it does not really build me up unless it were to relate to some sort of trickle effect of kindness multiplying. When I hear about people doing sincere service it does warm my heart and that is what builds me up. That is provided I think on those things rather than counting ever whit of what annoys me knowing all the while that I need to be so humble. I could be an outcast of outcast. Thankfully, I do not feel that way among members of my ward or many of my friends online.

72. SOLUTION TO THE H.T. DILEMA-
    I looked up “how to help my elder’s quorum better fulfill their home teaching” and came upon this site. Upon reading most of the comments left here I came to realize that most of those left simply confirm what I believed to be the cause of this dilema in most wards, or the dilema of Home Teaching not being done, consistently. In a nutshell the problem is that the elders, individually, do not have a testimony that H.T. NEEDS to be done. It tends to be a “task” instead of a blessing to them. I believe if they were to seek the spirit, pray for help, and get a personal testimony of this, that more families would get the support and love they need from these elders, that by the way have been given this critical labor of love to perform. Families, wards, and communities would be greatly improved if this were to take place. -JIB

Comments are closed.