Jon Kabat-Zinn Photo Credit: CBS News
But if “therapy” is merely numbing oneself to distress, then one might as well use one’s drug of choice to cope with life.
However that is emphatically not what Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is about. The “dialectic” in DBT comes from the contradiction between two very different things, namely accepting yourself and reality the way it is while changing behaviors that create suffering for yourself and others.
The second skill required to effectively relieve suffering is mindfulness.[ref]In searching for an image for this post, I tumbled across the transcript for Anderson Cooper’s December 2014 segment on mindfulness, which was rebroadcast on September 6, 2015, available online at http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mindfulness-anderson-cooper-60-minutes-2/, retrieved September 9, 2015.[/ref] Mindfulness is living in the present, with full awareness of one’s emotions, thoughts, and options, with complete control over one’s resources and ability to response. When one is mindful, one can choose to act in whatever manner will be most effective at changing the situation for the better.
Mindfulness applies to many situations. In this series, I am discussing mindfulness from the perspective of spiritual death, the separation that occurs when an individual becomes separated from God. Since only those who mourn this separation would have incentive to overcome such a separation, the examples in this post focus on those who feel that current circumstances are forcing them to abandon a cherished belief.
The Mormon Advantage
The discussion of mindfulness is often derived from eastern meditation. Thus much time is spent encouraging people to breathe deeply, visualizing their emotions and thoughts as, for example, waves that are small compared to an infinite sea.
Here Mormons have a great advantage:
- We believe that we are eternal, uncreated beings, with no beginning and no end
- We believe we are beloved spirit children of God, able to become Gods ourselves
- Prior to birth, we were mature and glorious spirits who loved one another
- We already accept a duality where the natural man can be overcome
- We are taught to not judge others
Even if you are having trouble with some doctrinal point, I urge you to claim the power of believing yourself an eternal being loved by the divine, surrounded by others who are similarly loved.
If you faith has become tattered to the point that you are unable to claim the power of these Mormon beliefs, fear not. Mindfulness does not require belief in a God at all, much less the eternally loving God of Mormonism.
Relaxation and Breathing
In order to help people focus on the present moment, those teaching mindfulness rely heavily on eastern meditation techniques. The idea is to go to a calm, quiet place where one can safely take a few minutes to focus on the now, the sensations of your current existence. This allows you to separate yourself from the rush of thoughts and emotions and see them as separate phenomena. As separate phenomena, then, these thoughts and emotions can be ignored or channeled as appropriate.
One of the relaxation techniques suggests envisioning yourself bathed in light. Then starting at the top of your head, focus on relaxing each part of yourself, noting in detail the sensations from that part of the body, the weight and pressure of feet on the floor and hands resting lightly at your sides. Focus on the muscles, allowing your scalp, jaw, neck, shoulders, and so forth to let go of tension and relax. This not only helps relax you while you are doing it, it helps you learn how to feel what is happening physically when you are stressed.
With various breathing exercises, you inhale deeply and slowly, and envision your thoughts and emotions as external to you, like waves that pass by and fade, or like signs on cars that pass you.[ref]The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook includes numerous scripts for using the breathing and relaxation to develop different mindfulness skills. In addition to the general workbook, there are workbooks specifically for anxiety, anger, bulemia, and bi-polar disorder.[/ref] As you become adept at separating yourself from the thoughts and emotions that happen to pass through your consciousness, you are better able to act in the most effective way to achieve what you actually want.
Letting Go
Jon Kabat-Zinn developed a mindfullness approach to stress reduction, founded on seven attitudes:
- Nonjudging. We too often jump immediately to a judgement of someone based on an event. The judgment could be negative (e.g., “What an idiot! How can they be so stupid/evil?!?!?!?”) or positive (e.g., “She is so perfect. Her kids, her make-up, her home decor.”) Either way, we stop thinking. Negative judgments cause us to be angry and stressed. Positive judgements inevitably lead to disappointment, either in the person we have held up to an impossible standard or in ourselves, for not being as perfect. Either way, judging interferes with being effective in our behaviors.
- Patience. How often do we become overwhelmed because we think something needs to happen right now? While there are times when immediate action is required (running away from a bear that is attacking), relatively few things in our modern world are so urgent that we need to endanger ourselves to make it happen right now (e.g., the matter of whether the LDS Church ordains women to the priesthood).
- Beginner’s Mind. When we first experience something (as a mouse in a maze), we are alert to all that is going on. Soon, however, we learn the lay of the land and begin filtering out most the information to focus on only those things that “matter” for our goal. When we intentionally adopt a beginners mind, we force ourselves to see things we normally filter out.
- Trust. Mankind survived certain fatal events in the past by being suspicious. But in our modern world, most people will not intentionally act to harm us. When we trust the good in others, we allow ourselves individually and as a group to thrive. This has been demonstrated in an interesting computer simulation of very large numbers of AI entities – trust wins where mistrust marginalizes.
- Non-striving. This is clearly a term derived from Buddhism which flies in they face of the the Mormon expectation that we be anxiously engaged in good works. But if we align ourselves on God’s will and God’s timeline for that will, then even an anxiously engaged Mormon can see how giving up desires for things other than God’s will could eliminate a lot of “striving” from the load of thoughts and emotions crowding our minds.
- Acceptance. Much discontent is wishing for something that the past hasn’t given us. The past didn’t give us a Joseph Smith who only ever covenanted with Emma Hale.[ref]My Faithful Joseph series looks at the history and argues the primary motive wasn’t sexual, and may not have even included sex at all.[/ref] The past didn’t give us a Mormonism that staunchly put racial equality as the highest good.[ref]I recommend Paul Reeve’s writings on this subject – turns out our past includes much more racial openness than we were ever taught in Sunday School, and the perception of Mormons as race mixing folk was a huge problem as late as the early 1900s.[/ref] The past didn’t give me a husband who was independently wealthy. The past didn’t give us any number of things we might wish the past had given us. The problem with the past is that we can’t change it. The best we can do is study the past to understand something that appears to have been unusually messed up. All the energy and effort we spent wishing the past were different is wasted effort, reducing the amount of our resources that could be devoted to effecting change in the present.
- Letting Go. When I hear this phrase, I think of the phrase often used in twelve step programs, “Let go and let God.” Another illustration of this point is a story told to people who have a disabled child, and are having a hard time giving up their focus on the normal child they wish their actual child could be. In the story, you have prepared for a vacation to Italy. You have learned the language and planned your itinerary. But when you deplane, you find that you’re not in Italy, but instead are in Holland. You could spend the entire trip angry and disappointed that you are not in Italy. Or you can let go of your dreams for an Italian holiday, accept that you are in Holland, and enjoy the advantages of being there.
Though not expressly stated in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s seven attitudes, there is a necessary thread of love and compassion that must underlie successful meditation and mindfulness.
Love
Well-respected meditation teacher Christina Feldman states “Meditation is not a narcissistic, self-interested path. It provides the foundation for love, integrity, compassion, respect and sensitivity…”[ref]Feldman, Principles of Meditation, 1998, p. 2.[/ref]
We are hard wired to judge, think negatively, and blind ourselves to “irrelevant” observations about our existence. But if we wish to find a peaceful place from which we can be effective, we must give up our judging, our negativity, and open ourselves to observing a more full picture of the reality we would change.
Love makes that possible. When we love others as ourselves and have compassion for their acts, then we can give up the snap judgements that make us so enraged. Whether the right thing is to embrace or flee, we can do it in love, consciously choosing the act that is consistent with our best hopes for our future.
It is also helpful to consider two more things – wisdom beyond our head and ways to keep our mind calm.
Wise Mind (aka Gut Feel)
One concept of Mindfulness is to move beyond your head and consult your gut.
Specifically, pay attention to the locus of your enteric nervous system, an extensive network of neural circuits capable of local, autonomous function. Your enteric nervous system has extensive, two-way, connections with the central nervous system, of which the brain is the primary physical component.
Most of us have experienced something like “butterflies in the stomach” when faced with acute stress. It might have been performing on stage or realizing what a huge responsibility you were accepting (initiating sex, signing your first mortgage).
The wise mind is described as the intersection of your emotions and your thoughts. Specifically, there might be times when your loudest internal thoughts say to move ahead, but the rest of your nervous system is warning you to stop.[ref]For more detail about the Enteric nervous system, see http://www.scholarpedia.org/article/Enteric_nervous_system, retrieved 10 September 2015.[/ref]
In Mormon circles, seeking out how we “feel” is a skill that is actively encouraged. We recount stories where notable people in our past were prompted to act in ways that made no sense to the rational mind, but which proved to ultimately be right.
Tools for Clearing your Mind
Writing Down Your Tasks and Goals. Some of us have so many things going on that it’s hard to imagine not being barraged by constant thoughts regarding our many responsibilities. Though not explicitly a part of Mindfulness, I recommend considering David Allen’s Getting Things Done methodology. As he explains, our minds will continue to worry at things if it isn’t confident that we have it recorded somewhere reliable.
Keeping a Journal. Writing about our day at the end of the day frees our mind from having to “remember” during the night.
Summary
When my mother-in-law was still alive, I would visit with her during my trips to her town. I would come in and we would sit on the couches in front of her TV. And then, a few minutes or hours later, one or the other of us would wake up and we’d continue to talk about a few more things before it was time to leave.
I think back to those visits and remember the peace and trust and willingness to perhaps behave in a manner that might be considered embarrassing elsewhere. I was completely free to be myself, as was she. She didn’t have to tell me the reason for her naps (turns out it was cancer) and I didn’t have to tell her the reason for my naps (chronic sleep deprivation). We just accepted one another and allowed ourselves to say what we wished and not say what we didn’t wish.
I can remember so many details about those visits, even though I was unconscious for most of the time.
I tell this story because I want to suggest that you try something like this the next time you are praying or meditating/pondering (as during the Sacrament). Let God be in you without expectation, and let your inner self be open to Him, without a busy rush of words. Be at peace, accept yourself and Him, trust Him and love Him.[ref]Of course, if you are not currently in a place where you believe in God, feel free to be one with the greater universe and a vision of light bathing you.[/ref]
Give up judgement. Give up your anger at the past. Give up your worries about possible futures. Separate yourself from your emotions and your thoughts, and give yourself permission to act rather than react.