Jon Kabat-Zinn Photo Credit: CBS News
In my original post about how the latest psychotherapy applies to spiritual death, I talked about tolerating distress by distracting oneself from the immediate pain and soothing oneself to be able to tolerate the distress.
But if “therapy” is merely numbing oneself to distress, then one might as well use one’s drug of choice to cope with life.
However that is emphatically not what Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is about. The “dialectic” in DBT comes from the contradiction between two very different things, namely accepting yourself and reality the way it is while changing behaviors that create suffering for yourself and others.
The second skill required to effectively relieve suffering is mindfulness.[ref]In searching for an image for this post, I tumbled across the transcript for Anderson Cooper’s December 2014 segment on mindfulness, which was rebroadcast on September 6, 2015, available online at http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mindfulness-anderson-cooper-60-minutes-2/, retrieved September 9, 2015.[/ref] Mindfulness is living in the present, with full awareness of one’s emotions, thoughts, and options, with complete control over one’s resources and ability to response. When one is mindful, one can choose to act in whatever manner will be most effective at changing the situation for the better.
Mindfulness applies to many situations. In this series, I am discussing mindfulness from the perspective of spiritual death, the separation that occurs when an individual becomes separated from God. Since only those who mourn this separation would have incentive to overcome such a separation, the examples in this post focus on those who feel that current circumstances are forcing them to abandon a cherished belief.
The Mormon Advantage
The discussion of mindfulness is often derived from eastern meditation. Thus much time is spent encouraging people to breathe deeply, visualizing their emotions and thoughts as, for example, waves that are small compared to an infinite sea.
Here Mormons have a great advantage:
- We believe that we are eternal, uncreated beings, with no beginning and no end
- We believe we are beloved spirit children of God, able to become Gods ourselves
- Prior to birth, we were mature and glorious spirits who loved one another
- We already accept a duality where the natural man can be overcome
- We are taught to not judge others
Even if you are having trouble with some doctrinal point, I urge you to claim the power of believing yourself an eternal being loved by the divine, surrounded by others who are similarly loved.
If you faith has become tattered to the point that you are unable to claim the power of these Mormon beliefs, fear not. Mindfulness does not require belief in a God at all, much less the eternally loving God of Mormonism.
Relaxation and Breathing
In order to help people focus on the present moment, those teaching mindfulness rely heavily on eastern meditation techniques. The idea is to go to a calm, quiet place where one can safely take a few minutes to focus on the now, the sensations of your current existence. This allows you to separate yourself from the rush of thoughts and emotions and see them as separate phenomena. As separate phenomena, then, these thoughts and emotions can be ignored or channeled as appropriate.
One of the relaxation techniques suggests envisioning yourself bathed in light. Then starting at the top of your head, focus on relaxing each part of yourself, noting in detail the sensations from that part of the body, the weight and pressure of feet on the floor and hands resting lightly at your sides. Focus on the muscles, allowing your scalp, jaw, neck, shoulders, and so forth to let go of tension and relax. This not only helps relax you while you are doing it, it helps you learn how to feel what is happening physically when you are stressed.
With various breathing exercises, you inhale deeply and slowly, and envision your thoughts and emotions as external to you, like waves that pass by and fade, or like signs on cars that pass you.[ref]The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook includes numerous scripts for using the breathing and relaxation to develop different mindfulness skills. In addition to the general workbook, there are workbooks specifically for anxiety, anger, bulemia, and bi-polar disorder.[/ref] As you become adept at separating yourself from the thoughts and emotions that happen to pass through your consciousness, you are better able to act in the most effective way to achieve what you actually want.
Letting Go
Jon Kabat-Zinn developed a mindfullness approach to stress reduction, founded on seven attitudes:
- Nonjudging. We too often jump immediately to a judgement of someone based on an event. The judgment could be negative (e.g., “What an idiot! How can they be so stupid/evil?!?!?!?”) or positive (e.g., “She is so perfect. Her kids, her make-up, her home decor.”) Either way, we stop thinking. Negative judgments cause us to be angry and stressed. Positive judgements inevitably lead to disappointment, either in the person we have held up to an impossible standard or in ourselves, for not being as perfect. Either way, judging interferes with being effective in our behaviors.
- Patience. How often do we become overwhelmed because we think something needs to happen right now? While there are times when immediate action is required (running away from a bear that is attacking), relatively few things in our modern world are so urgent that we need to endanger ourselves to make it happen right now (e.g., the matter of whether the LDS Church ordains women to the priesthood).
- Beginner’s Mind. When we first experience something (as a mouse in a maze), we are alert to all that is going on. Soon, however, we learn the lay of the land and begin filtering out most the information to focus on only those things that “matter” for our goal. When we intentionally adopt a beginners mind, we force ourselves to see things we normally filter out.
- Trust. Mankind survived certain fatal events in the past by being suspicious. But in our modern world, most people will not intentionally act to harm us. When we trust the good in others, we allow ourselves individually and as a group to thrive. This has been demonstrated in an interesting computer simulation of very large numbers of AI entities – trust wins where mistrust marginalizes.
- Non-striving. This is clearly a term derived from Buddhism which flies in they face of the the Mormon expectation that we be anxiously engaged in good works. But if we align ourselves on God’s will and God’s timeline for that will, then even an anxiously engaged Mormon can see how giving up desires for things other than God’s will could eliminate a lot of “striving” from the load of thoughts and emotions crowding our minds.
- Acceptance. Much discontent is wishing for something that the past hasn’t given us. The past didn’t give us a Joseph Smith who only ever covenanted with Emma Hale.[ref]My Faithful Joseph series looks at the history and argues the primary motive wasn’t sexual, and may not have even included sex at all.[/ref] The past didn’t give us a Mormonism that staunchly put racial equality as the highest good.[ref]I recommend Paul Reeve’s writings on this subject – turns out our past includes much more racial openness than we were ever taught in Sunday School, and the perception of Mormons as race mixing folk was a huge problem as late as the early 1900s.[/ref] The past didn’t give me a husband who was independently wealthy. The past didn’t give us any number of things we might wish the past had given us. The problem with the past is that we can’t change it. The best we can do is study the past to understand something that appears to have been unusually messed up. All the energy and effort we spent wishing the past were different is wasted effort, reducing the amount of our resources that could be devoted to effecting change in the present.
- Letting Go. When I hear this phrase, I think of the phrase often used in twelve step programs, “Let go and let God.” Another illustration of this point is a story told to people who have a disabled child, and are having a hard time giving up their focus on the normal child they wish their actual child could be. In the story, you have prepared for a vacation to Italy. You have learned the language and planned your itinerary. But when you deplane, you find that you’re not in Italy, but instead are in Holland. You could spend the entire trip angry and disappointed that you are not in Italy. Or you can let go of your dreams for an Italian holiday, accept that you are in Holland, and enjoy the advantages of being there.
Though not expressly stated in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s seven attitudes, there is a necessary thread of love and compassion that must underlie successful meditation and mindfulness.
Love
Well-respected meditation teacher Christina Feldman states “Meditation is not a narcissistic, self-interested path. It provides the foundation for love, integrity, compassion, respect and sensitivity…”[ref]Feldman, Principles of Meditation, 1998, p. 2.[/ref]
We are hard wired to judge, think negatively, and blind ourselves to “irrelevant” observations about our existence. But if we wish to find a peaceful place from which we can be effective, we must give up our judging, our negativity, and open ourselves to observing a more full picture of the reality we would change.
Love makes that possible. When we love others as ourselves and have compassion for their acts, then we can give up the snap judgements that make us so enraged. Whether the right thing is to embrace or flee, we can do it in love, consciously choosing the act that is consistent with our best hopes for our future.
It is also helpful to consider two more things – wisdom beyond our head and ways to keep our mind calm.
Wise Mind (aka Gut Feel)
One concept of Mindfulness is to move beyond your head and consult your gut.
Specifically, pay attention to the locus of your enteric nervous system, an extensive network of neural circuits capable of local, autonomous function. Your enteric nervous system has extensive, two-way, connections with the central nervous system, of which the brain is the primary physical component.
Most of us have experienced something like “butterflies in the stomach” when faced with acute stress. It might have been performing on stage or realizing what a huge responsibility you were accepting (initiating sex, signing your first mortgage).
The wise mind is described as the intersection of your emotions and your thoughts. Specifically, there might be times when your loudest internal thoughts say to move ahead, but the rest of your nervous system is warning you to stop.[ref]For more detail about the Enteric nervous system, see http://www.scholarpedia.org/article/Enteric_nervous_system, retrieved 10 September 2015.[/ref]
In Mormon circles, seeking out how we “feel” is a skill that is actively encouraged. We recount stories where notable people in our past were prompted to act in ways that made no sense to the rational mind, but which proved to ultimately be right.
Tools for Clearing your Mind
Writing Down Your Tasks and Goals. Some of us have so many things going on that it’s hard to imagine not being barraged by constant thoughts regarding our many responsibilities. Though not explicitly a part of Mindfulness, I recommend considering David Allen’s Getting Things Done methodology. As he explains, our minds will continue to worry at things if it isn’t confident that we have it recorded somewhere reliable.
Keeping a Journal. Writing about our day at the end of the day frees our mind from having to “remember” during the night.
Summary
When my mother-in-law was still alive, I would visit with her during my trips to her town. I would come in and we would sit on the couches in front of her TV. And then, a few minutes or hours later, one or the other of us would wake up and we’d continue to talk about a few more things before it was time to leave.
I think back to those visits and remember the peace and trust and willingness to perhaps behave in a manner that might be considered embarrassing elsewhere. I was completely free to be myself, as was she. She didn’t have to tell me the reason for her naps (turns out it was cancer) and I didn’t have to tell her the reason for my naps (chronic sleep deprivation). We just accepted one another and allowed ourselves to say what we wished and not say what we didn’t wish.
I can remember so many details about those visits, even though I was unconscious for most of the time.
I tell this story because I want to suggest that you try something like this the next time you are praying or meditating/pondering (as during the Sacrament). Let God be in you without expectation, and let your inner self be open to Him, without a busy rush of words. Be at peace, accept yourself and Him, trust Him and love Him.[ref]Of course, if you are not currently in a place where you believe in God, feel free to be one with the greater universe and a vision of light bathing you.[/ref]
Give up judgement. Give up your anger at the past. Give up your worries about possible futures. Separate yourself from your emotions and your thoughts, and give yourself permission to act rather than react.
New Post: Therapy for Spiritual Death, Part 2 [Mindfulness]: Jon Kabat-Zinn Photo Credit: CBS New… http://t.co/b7AjetLlyP #LDS #Mormon
TheMillennialStar: Therapy for Spiritual Death, Part 2 [Mindfulness] http://t.co/7AXNbKeMFW #lds #mormon
It seems you are suggesting that people who are spiritually dead or antagonistic to the church (for the reasons you gave in your previous post) should try and heal their antagonism not through church solutions, but looking elsewhere like these Eastern methods you suggest: meditation, mindfulness, beginners mind, etc. none of which are commonly discussed in church.
Is this because the healing program of the church (repentance, humility, obedience to prophets) doesn’t work for these people because their hearts are hardened against it, and they need to try another method from another culture to make a fresh start? Or is the church missing out on essential Eastern wisdom in their current correlated gospel, but maybe this should be included in the correlated gospel in the future, like the adoption of the 12 step program in Addiction Recovery?
And after one finds peace and wholeness through Eastern methods, do you suggest going back to the church’s program of repentance, humility and obedience, even if it was giving you anxiety in the first place? Does the church have something better to offer as far as present healing is concerned, apart from the promise of the Celestial Kingdom?
Wonderful post, meg.
I believe in all God will reveal. Especially regarding mindfulness.
Nate, I think Meg makes it clear at the beginning of her post that the LDS theology, including our belief that we are eternal beings is truly a foundation for mental and spiritual health. I know quite a few people who use methods of mindfulness but who rely on scripture reading, prayer and following Christian principles for most of their life journey. However there are those who utterly reject the principles of the Gospel that could lead to peace. Too often they are caught in the cycle of anger and blame that forcloses the very idea of repentance and restitution. People in such a situation can at least take advantage of ancient wisdom and in modern research that might help them to return to the true source of lasting joy and peace .
Hi Pat and laserguy,
☺
Nate,
That's odd that you think the Church program for "healing" is repentance, humility, and obedience to prophets. I would instead say that God's advice for healing any woe is to come unto Him, cast our burdens at His feet, and take His yoke upon us.
I didn't think I would need to explain how moderns on the road to spiritual death are violating even the agnostic tenets of good mental health.
Going briefly to the seven skills taught by Jon Kabat-Zinn, those who die spiritually are:
Judging themselves to be better than believers
Not patient with how believers are willing to see God's hand in all that has come to pass.
Unwilling to open their minds to a fullness of what is taught, filtering out all that is good and only focusing on the "bad" that is causing them spiritual and mental pain.
Unwilling to trust that God's ways might be adequately conveyed by His servants.
Unwilling to accept the past that is and find effective ways of moving forward (note the continual harking back to history that can't be changed).
Having themselves decided to leave the Church, they often won't let go. They must point out to their believing friends and family members the error of belief.
Going back to the prior post in this series, those who are triumphantly proclaiming a loss of belief tend to have reached that point without attempting to temper distress in any fashion, much less by approaching God for answers.
With respect to those who wish to either remain members in good standing in God's Church or return to be members in good standing in God's Church:
To repent is to re-think and see things as God sees them.
To be humble is to admit that our judgements and knowledge may be inadequate or flawed.
To obey is to trust and have patience, to give us up striving for our own will, to love God and have compassion on His servants.
I love Meg’s perspective on much, but I too struggle with this post.
However, though I have learned from long experience that I can’t argue anyone to the truth by any powers of reasoning I possess, and have also learned that indeed, it is contrary to both the economy and purpose of God to do so; rather than desist from intellectual engagement at all, I think of it is as a singular tool: It may be used to plow the soil, but even then only to the soil that is yields to the bite of the plow.
The real trouble with any other method than that which recognizes the operation of the light of Christ, is that it denies the very power by which any and every good thing comes, including that good feeling that comes of calm meditation. Lacking that, a person is led to believe it is their own power by which they have come to peace–full circle now to the economy and purpose of God in this mortal estate. It is not to find peace, but to find him. I would prefer to be uncomfortable, recognizing wholly my fallen state, until I find him.
I remember when I was young and Transcendental Meditation was all the rage (showing my age with that one!). I was sucked into that and thought it was the answer to all my problems. Not that I think it evil, but I thank God that I was rescued by the true gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m not much persuaded by these fad meditation “answers” any more.
Meg, I’m glad there are others out there having positive experiences with the gospel and mindfulness meditation. I feel that the combination of the two is much better than either in isolation. When I spoke of what I was learning to a former roommate, he thought what I was learning was classic Mormonism… It wasn’t, but it certainly was compatible, I know many Mormons who would be helped, but who are to arrogant to learn anything outside of their culture. Moral agency.
Meg, I know a member who is contemplating leaving the church because of an Eckhart Toll book about “letting go” of the things in your life that give you guilt and angst, which in this case is the church. I’m conflicted about whether to encourage such a course of action. When someone has developed an antagonistic complex with the church it is hard to see how such a complex could be resolved without some distance. Maybe its like a teen who sometimes needs to leave their parents because of “issues,” which may or may not be the parents fault.
Perhaps just as important for apostates, is learning not only to leave the church, but leave it alone. Like you say, they can’t let the church be “adequate” to meet the needs of other members. It has to be harming others, as they feel it has harmed them.
Or maybe the fact that they can’t leave it alone points to the existence of an essential bond which cannot be broken, a bond which can only manifest itself through love or hatred. So maybe the fact that they can’t leave the church alone is a good sign. Or maybe not.
In any case, there are legions of members who live with antagonistic feelings towards various aspects of the church, stuck in a limbo between faithfulness and apostasy, unable to progress in either direction. Leaving the church sometimes helps them find peace and personal development, but at the risk of their eternal salvation, from the church’s perspective. But what is the virtue of being miserable within the church, staying only because of guilt or tradition, but unable to get past the multitude of “triggers,” church attitudes which incite continual states of anxiety. Sure, the answer is humility, trust and obedience, but from a practical point of view, in the hearts of these people, that solution might be a million miles away.
I meditated regularly for three years. I found it would calm me somewhat, but I find the experience of sincere prayer much more fulfilling, personally. Five minutes of sincere prayer does much more for me than a half-hour of meditation. But I know a lot of people who meditate and get great value from it, so to each his own.
Nate, one of the reasons I like you is that your heart is in the right place. You want people to be happy, and this is good. But I must share my experiences with you that I hope you will find useful. Every single person I know that left the Church has become much less happy afterwards. In every case, the person spends a lot of time talking about how they have been “liberated,” but it is only a matter of time until the person starts feeling unfulfilled or empty or without direction. And when you speak to these people about why they left, they concentrate on small things. The RS president was rude to them, or the bishop didn’t understand them, or they have political problems with the Church (which are unimportant in the grand scheme of things if this really is Christ’s church). You might be amazed to know how many people I know who left because they wanted to drink beer. In any case, the people who stay even though they have issues can take many steps that will help them. Just one suggestion: concentrate on service for others, either in the ward or in the temple or at your local homeless shelter. I know one person who said he had huge problems with the Church but still loved serving in the Scouts and came to church just so he could do that, and over time the person ended up going to the temple and getting his endowments.
The Church is not about your personal entertainment or pleasure (although many of us find church very entertaining and pleasurable). It is about the Savior. Think about others rather than yourself. Listen to a boring talk just so you can offer words of encouragement to the person who gave the talk (because that person probably needs the encouragement). Say a nice word to the annoying Relief Society president even though you don’t feel like it. There are many ways that you can find happiness at church even if you are not “feeling it,” but they all involve looking outside of yourself.
Hi Nate,
What I am attempting to put forward with mindfulness, specifically, is how one can put the guilt and angst to rest while remaining within the arms of God’s love.
Meditation is not intended as a replacement for worship, but as a way to identify the emotions and thoughts and judgments that are causing the pain. These emotions and thoughts and judgments are often separate from the Church. Therefore leaving the Church itself will not necessarily end the pain associated with the emotions, thoughts, and judgments. In fact, leaving the Church will allow these emotions, thoughts, and judgments to fossify into unchallenged “truths” that will remain to haunt the individual, forever tainting their ability to embrace the empowering teachings at the heart of Mormonism.
Additionally, when these individuals have children and siblings and parents and friends, their departure “to seek peace” materially damages the prospects for their loved ones.
Am I willing to endure and overcome pain so that those I love can enjoy freedom and peace? Absolutely.
In addition to potentially “suffering” for the good of others, there is the matter of the joy that comes at the end of a dedicated life. We see this in couples who commit to one another, nurturing one another. At the end of their lives, they have become sweet and nurturing by virtue of their walk together. Would I want to see a newly married couple separate over “pain” that could easily be resolved within the home by adopting better mental and interpersonal habits? No.
Nate, you claim that there are “legions of members who live with antagonistic feelings towards various aspects of the church, stuck in a limbo between faithfulness and apostasy, unable to progress in either direction.” I don’t accept that they are “stuck.” Movement is always happening. I suspect it is more likely that these are people headed at velocity in the opposite direction of faith, yet unable to admit to themselves that they are actively destroying their belief through their own behaviors and emotions/thoughts/judgments.
In my own marriage, I make the decision whether to stay or leave. In my first marriage I made the decision to leave because I was being actively abused (physically, emotionally, financially, and arguably sexually). In my current marriage, I make the decision to stay. Even though things might not be “perfect,” there is great joy and companionship and love. Do I have antagonistic feelings towards various aspects of my husband’s being? Yes. But to focus unduly on those negative feelings would destroy the honor and regard I do have for him.
We each own our relationship with God and His Church. We are never stuck. I like the imagery of Lehi’s dream (and Nephi’s dream). The tree and its fruit are before us. Are we those who will continue to move towards that great good, or will we be distracted by the mists, falling into the filthy waters, actively jockeying for a good window in the spacious building from which to mock our fellows?
It is acceptable for us, when weary, to cast ourselves upon our Savior, who is love. His is the kind of love that will embrace us in our pain, but urge us to exert ourselves when exertion is needed and we are capable. His is the counsel that urges us forward to greatness, like a good coach who pushes us towards excellence. Any objective observer would ridicule a would-be athlete who rejected a world-class coach merely because that coach didn’t coddle them.
I think I’ve made my position sufficiently clear. These things said, I love all and fundamentally believe that all my mortal fellows at one time embraced God’s plan to have Christ be our Savior. I will hope that in some day all these will be able to rejoice in the embrace of God, a God who I have faith is powerful to save.
Great comment Meg.
I meditate, Eastern style, about ten minutes a day. My practice was interrupted during my recent deployment to the Middle East, but I have resumed it and do derive practical benefits. I would hesitate to say that the benefits are “spiritual” in a Mormon sense as we tend to understand the word “spiritual”. I would characterize them as more emotional/holistic.
Focusing on breathing, emptying the mind of noise and clutter, can lead to spiritual benefits later on. There is profound wisdom to be found in Eastern philosophy.
My husband and I gave the two anchor talks in our local sacrament meeting yesterday.
My husband quoted something from C.S. Lewis, indicating that a good final outcome will bless all that preceded it, even the pain. The corollary is that an evil final outcome will curse all that preceded it, even the diligence and faith.
Thanks for this, Meg. You’re touching on some powerful things I’ve been learning lately.
“One of the grand fundamental principles of Mormonism is to receive truth, let it come from whence it may.” – cited online as in Discourses of the Prophet Joseph Smith p, 199, though I cannot verify this.
I have certainly found powerful concentrations of truth here and there in my studies beyond the Standard Works. Having the restored Gospel as a solid foundation allows them to fit comfortably in my mind and practice with no jeopardy to my connection to the Rock upon which I am built.
Geoff B., your comment in response to Nate expressed the feelings I have very accurately. I’m so encouraged when others have the ability to articulate feelings that I have but have not yet been able to put into words. Thank you for that.
Nate, I appreciated your comments as well. It made some important points.
Meg, your response to Nate clarified for me some issues that I had not gotten from the OP. I always enjoy your insight and point of view, even when I occasionally don’t fully agree.
This post and discussion is just one good example that what I enjoy about M* and why I always come here to follow the goings on. Thanks to all who contribute and participate.
Nate,
Repentance is often a severe word. For some it implies guilt. Sometimes all we need is to clarify our thoughts and emotions so that we can more adequately receive revelation. Ditch the pride, defensiveness and ego attachment that comes from stress. Radio broadcasting is an overused metaphor for prayer, but I have found meditation a tool to “clear the airwaves” for traditional prayer. Negative emotions and a lack of clarity on our part can partly block the signal or lead to confusion when interpreting the answer. Meditation can get us thinking straight. This is especially true for those experiencing or overcoming emotional trauma or psychological distress.
For grins, Chris Bailey of A Life of Productivity recently went on a week-long meditation retreat and blogged about it.
What you can learn about productivity from a meditation retreat
For a look at spiritual practice (particularly meditation) from a faithful LDS perspective, check out “The God Seed” by M. Catherine Thomas. Like everything else she writes, it’s magnificent and is packed with powerful insights. (It’s currently being serialized on Meridian Magazine.)