Teaching Only Theory

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Tomorrow’s Young Women lesson in my ward is on the roles of wife and mother. As I am neither, how do I not sound like a total hypocrit when teaching this lesson to my Mia Maids? This lesson has been tormenting me all week. I don’t disagree that these are divine roles. That isn’t the issue. But all I hear in my mind as I prepare what to tell them is, “This is the most important thing you can do. Plan and hope for these goals. Of course, I’m not doing it, but that’s neither here nor there.” I believe I should be a good role model for the girls, and in all other instances I feel like I am. I like what I can bring to the lessons — the other lessons. However, this topic is outside my experience, so all I bring to the lesson is theory, and I don’t think that’s good enough.

I find myself hoping that the girls will be hyper and inattentive and we will end up on some tangent about Israel and patriarchal blessings (which we’ve actually already had as a huge but interesting tangent, but something else like that).

(If interested, this is the lesson, and I’m supplementing the lesson with this talk.)

23 thoughts on “Teaching Only Theory”

  1. I don’t know how to put this into a coherent paragraph, but if my daughter were still in a MIA Maid class these are a few things that would be of concern to me:

    The massive increase in the US in unwed motherhood with all it’s implications to the mother, the absent father, and the child

    The absolutely unavoidable flood of oversexualized and objectifying music, advertising, images, etc. that young women are faced with daily

    I would want her to hear that women are as equally loved as men by their Heavenly Father

    I would want her to hear the idealistic view taught in that lesson, along with the counsel that she was free to choose for herself, and some guidance about how exactly to do that in her own life

    A lesson like this may be one of few places in their world where they can still hear the message that being a wife and a mother are valid and fulfilling choices.

  2. Personally, I wish that when I had been in Young Women’s I had been taught by/heard from someone who was not a wife or a mother, because the reality is that not all women in the church even have the opportunity to be either (or both) of these things. I don’t think you talking about the importance of those roles is hypocritical in the least–after all, male leaders of the church often talk on this subject while being neither wives nor mothers (nor do they even have the possibility of becoming such–as you do). I think you could use your perspective to discuss other important and valid roles for women in the church (and in life). Maybe you could even say something like, “Obviously I am neither a wife nor a mother, does that mean I have no place in God’s kingdom or this church?” to get the young women thinking about your role as a woman in the church and how motherhood and wifery are not the only possibilities for young women.

  3. C Jones, I already have your 3rd and 4th ideas incorporated into the lesson. I like your 1st idea and I think I will discuss those implications as a contrast for the ideal that they should seek and why that ideal is so important. I’m not sure how to use your 2nd idea in the lesson, but I like it and will give it more thought.

    Hannah G, you have a good point about the male leaders of the church; I should not feel hypocritical. Many other lessons talk about other possibilities for the young women besides or else in addition to wife and mother, and since I’m not a wife or mother, I probably emphasise those more than other teachers might. For this particular lesson, I want to focus on the roles of wife and mother, as I really don’t give them much emphasis. I want them to get the message, as C Jones says, “that being a wife and a mother are valid and fulfilling choices.”

  4. I think you should talk about Ruth. In the beginning of Ruth, Naomi points out that if she follows her, she’ll never get to be a mother. But Ruth feels that true religion is more important than motherhood, and so she goes with Naomi so she can worship her God. Of course, in the end, Ruth does get to be a mother. I think that you should emphasize that the most important thing a woman can do is to be a mother UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES–which means with a temple marriage, with as much education as she can get, which means emotionally and spiritually strong, and faithful. Tell them that they need to focus on being a woman who is prepared to be a righteous mother. This, Tanya, you are.

  5. Julie, I really like your Ruth idea about being a mother under the right circumstances. Thank you.

  6. Tanya, talk about your Mother and her example, if you feel that is right of course, she is probably the best example you have and closest to you.

  9. Tanya, I give a big AMEN to Hannah’s comment(#2).

    I’ve seen too many single female members in their late 20’s and in their 30’s go ballistic when they finally realize they might be among those who don’t get married. Yes, part of it is the hormone thing and biological clock thing. But a BIG part of it is the brainwashing done in the Young Womens program.

    One of the things that turned me off to the church when I was in my late 20’s were the desperate psychotic women in the singles program. At first I just wrote it off to hormones/biological-clock, or maybe I had stumbled into a pocket of crazy people.

    But later I realized that many of them had taken the wrong messages out of the Young Womens’ program. Instead of looking at motherhood as the _highest_ calling, they were looking at it as the _only_ calling.

    Some were also incorrectly distilling motherhood down, or incorrectly focusing on the “having babies” subset instead of the over-arching concept of raising children.

    Their whole conversations revolved around baby-this and baby-that, and they gave the impression that children never grow out of the baby stage. They gave the impression they just wanted to be a “baby-making machine” and not be engaged in the actual 18+ year process of raising children. They gave the impression that they were looking for a sperm donor and meal ticket, and not a celestial partner.

    Many became depressed, thinking they remained single due to some unworthiness, or bitter, thinking that God and the church owed them a husband.

    Even if prospects of marriage start to look dim at some point in the future, I believe it still is important for singles to continue to develop skills in the role of mother and father, because everyone in the church comes in contact with, and has influence upon, children of all ages. That contact can be in the form of primary teacher, youth teacher, YM/YW leader, home teacher or visiting teacher, or neigbbor. Or even just a “village parent” telling a kid not to run in the hallway at church.

  11. I would say that these girls will be in YW for six years. They will hear many lessons on how great it is to be a wife and mother in those 6 years. They will probably hear those lessons many times in RS both before and after they get married. They will defintely have a similar lesson given to them by someone who *is* a wife and mother.

    A married woman with a gaggle of kids comes off as rather self serving when she says “Being married and raising kids is the best work a woman can do.” And that same woman comes across as patronizing when she says “Oh, and if you don’t get married it’s okay because Heavenly Father still loves you.” I’ve had those lessons, given by those women and that’s how I felt.

    Any married woman can tell a girl that it is a good thing to be married. Any mother can tell a girl that children are special, and that motherhood is an important stewardship. You are unique because you can tell them that you can want these things, and you can work for them, and you can revere them, but you don’t have to let them rule you. Only a single woman can really tell them that Heavenly Father will always value them as women even if they were to remain unmarried and/or childless their whole lives. You can teach them not to become bitter at the family-centric messages of the church. You can teach them something they may never get to hear again.

  12. Jack, I am LDS and have never wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be married, be a wife, and have that partnership. However, I have never wanted to raise children, mainly because I do see it as the lifelong committment that it is. And, as an LDS woman it is very hard to feel this way since it is what we are taught to want and become. However, for me, the feeling is not there, and never has been. I wanted to be married only because I loved my husband.

    It is pretty narrowminded to think that all women in the church are just baby hungry.

  13. #10 Jack. No. I think they think they should think they want to be mothers.

    Wonderful topic, wonderful posts.

  14. This might be too late for your lesson (I’m almost sure it will be) but what about looking at Sheri Dew?? She has said time and again that she wanted to be a wife and mother, but the opportunity just never happened. Did she sit down and cry?? NO!! She went on with her life. Got a degree and a great job, served so faithfully in the Church, is still an amazing role model to everyone in the world. She turned to the Temple and other sources for comfort. She has become so close to the Lord and the Spirit, it’s amazing (not that that can’t happen when married – don’t take it like that).

    I will admit that when I turned 20 and wasn’t married I started to feel like an “old maid”. Man, was I ever wrong! So many wonderful people in my single’s ward were older than that and life continued. They still looked for the fun and joy that comes out of life. If only everyone were like that, married or not.

  15. I think it’s pretty narrow minded to believe that the crossection of LDS women who frequent the bloggeracle is a fair representation of LDS women, generally. No. Most women do not want to go throughout life without having a baby.

    Now whether that means that most women are thrilled at the prospect of having to change daipers for a number of years is a different matter.

  16. Sorry, it isn’t my goal to cause this thread to spiral down into a battle of the sexes. However, as it relates (loosly) to the original post, I guess I’m getting a little weary of hearing (reading) all of the reasons why the young women’s program is if off kilter. I thank God for it and for the dedicated women who care so much for my daughters. (I have five) But even so, my children are influenced more powerfully from what they experience at home. And as it stands right now, my daughters have no trouble projecting into the future and imagining all of the wonderful things they might do make the world a better place. And most of our conversations regarding their dreams revolve around the kind of education they’d like to get.

    At any rate, who knows but what that the young women’s program will help some young women to not feel bad about opting for motherhood (when the time is right) when all the world is shouting at them to do otherwise.

  17. Every woman who teaches a YW class brings what she is to that task. It is not a requirement to be tall or short, old or young, single, married, divorced or widowed. We are only asked to offer the best of what we each have to give. We do the best we can.

    Preparing and giving a lesson on our admittedly idealized concept of being a wife and mother may be painful in different ways to the single sister, the abused wife, the sexual abuse survivor, or the mother of a wayward drug-addicted child. It seems a little short-sighted to turn the one lesson per year on this topic into an married vs. single issue.

    Tanya’s question is about the teacher and her personal history and situation, but it is also about the girls. These girls don’t live in my world or your world. They haven’t had our experiences with the Mother’s Day talks all about how Mom never talked- she only sang, or how she ironed all the socks uphill both ways.

    If these girls are now 14 and 15, they’ve spent the past few years with Janet Jackson and Brittany Spears presented to them as role models. They can’t even remember a time when television or movies weren’t saturated with women being attacked, abused, objectified, hyper-sexualized. The next time you are in the supermarket, look through a few teen magazines. Check out the profiles of the typical 14 and 15 year-old girls on Myspace.com. Watch a few music videos, listen to the lyrics. They carry this stuff around with them all day on their video ipods. If you’re really brave, check into the statistic on the prevalance of oral sex among jr. high and high school students.

    These girls need direction, support, and a good example from all of us, married and single. It can’t just be about us and our own issues, they need us to be united in teaching them about who they really are and what their true potential is.

  18. I appreciate the suggestions and support from those who posted. My lesson turned out to go very, very well. I basically stuck with the lesson as printed, but emphasised working on being a righteous woman so that wherever life takes you, you are ready. After I mentioned that even though I’m not married or a mother, I’m actually quite happy with where my life is right now, one of the girls incredulously answered, “Really?!” Well, that couldn’t stand without something more, so we ended up having a really good discussion on life not necessarily going where you thing it will, but listening to the Spirit so you know you’re on the right path, and being prepared to live with what happens. And to LIVE, not just sit around waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet.

  20. I will be teaching this lesson next week to my beehives, and I’m grateful for this thread.

    I am 29 and have never been married. I’m in a family ward for the first time since I was in Young Women’s. I wondered when they called me why they really wanted someone who clearly wasn’t following the expected plan, but everyone has been very confident and grateful that I’m there, which is nice.

    I would like to teach in the sense of civilization building. That being a wife and mother isn’t just having babies and changing diapers, but that what is being asked of us is to be a part of creating a civilization and a kingdom of God.

  21. Jack (#16), “At any rate, who knows but what that the young women’s program will help some young women to not feel bad about opting for motherhood (when the time is right) when all the world is shouting at them to do otherwise.”

    That’s an important goal of the YW (and YM) program.

    A tough thing about managing youth programs is that you don’t see many of the important results until 10 years later. Those who control the program need a long term view to get feedback.

    Another tough thing is that many, if not most, of those who are not properly served by the youth programs end up being in that 25% to 33% of our youth who become inactive as they enter adulthood. Those who control the program don’t get much feedback from them.

    The church heirarchy (both ecclesiastical leaders and administration employees in SLC) moves very slowly in changing church programs and policies. For instance, the missionary problems that “raise the bar” addressed were problems for at least 20 years. In my opinion, that feedback loop is way too long.

    It’s often not until you see someone’s actions as a young adult that you realize what priorities or hierarchy of priorities they took out of the youth program. Or how they melded the teachings of the youth program with the other three major influences: peer group, family, and those who were just a few years older than them. (The deacons and teachers see what the priests do, and they expect to get away with the same things when they are priests.)

    Twenty years ago, the Brethren’s emphasis on young singles to get married led many to make unwise or hasty marriage decisions. At more recent CES firesides, I heard more qualifying or couching type phrases in order that they would not be taken as applying pressure.

    So yes, it’s important to teach the rule. In the past the exceptions went largely unspoken. The Brethren today seem quicker to acknowledge exceptions, but still generally point out that exceptions are left to the individual. But in situations where there has been past misunderstanding on the part of many members, more GA’s are pointing out the exceptions, such as “those who remain single through no fault of their own will not be denied any blessings.” I never heard that 20 years ago, but I assumed it. Now I’m hearing it.

  22. The problem that the Brethren face is that those who are often most in need of the rule are simultaneously those who tend to think they are the exception. It’s a hard line to walk. Makes me glad I’m not a GA.

  23. Clark, count me among those who had negative life-altering consequences due to unspoken traditions in the church that the Brethren left unsaid. I agree that it’s a hard line to walk for them.

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