With sincere apologies to Dr. Seuss.
Saturday is our ward Christmas party and what, oh what, do you think is the main dish on the menu?
Steak?
Nope, try again.
Chicken?
Wrong, yet again.
Pork?
You’re getting warmer…
Ham?
Yes, of course! It’s a Mormon party and paid for with tithing funds.
But what about the Elder’s quorum social where they served steaks, you ask? Well, the Elder’s quorum president has been appropriately chastised for the misappropriation of tithing funds and for malfeasence in office. I can assure you that such a thing will NEVER, EVER happen again. 🙂
So what is it with Mormons and ham?
Does it just go better with the red punch and green jello?
Is it becuase of the potatoes au gratin?
Is it the liturgical calendar and this is the year of the ham?
Since I was knee-high to a deacon, all of the ward Christmas parties that I have attended feature that dreaded Wal-Mart meat-of-meats: ham!
Sure, ham is cheap, but so is a piece of leather in a sweat shop (and just about as tasty).
I’ve often wondered if even a Honey Baked Ham would be better than the Wal-Mart variety I will choke down on Saturday, but I still can’t get Wilbur out of my head. Sorry, Charlotte, but the pig is dinner tomorrow and there ain’t thing one you can do about it!!
In honor of my Saturday feast, I composed a quick and dirty rendition of “I do not like cheap Mormon ham, Spam-I-am”:
I do not like cheap Mormon ham, Spam-I-am.
I do not like it in a chapel.
I do not like it in a hall.
I do not like cheap Mormon ham at all!
I will not eat it with a quorum.
I will not eat it in a storm.
I will not eat it with the sisters.
I will not eat it with the misters.
I will not eat cheap Mormon ham, Spam-I-am!
I do not like it with red punch.
I do not like it all that much.
I do not like it with potatoes.
I do not like it with tomatoes.
I do not like cheap Mormon ham, Spam-I-am!
I will not eat it with the Elders.
I will not eat it with the Sisters.
I will not eat it with the Prophet.
I will not eat it with Bro. Moffet.
I will not eat cheap Mormon ham, Spam-I-am!
Will you try it if I make you?
Will you try it if I shame you?
Will you eat it for the bishop?
Will you eat it for the bell hop?
Will you eat for your wife?
Ummmm…let me think—not on your life!
I will NOT eat cheap Mormon ham, Spam-I-am!
So, what delectable ptomaine delights will you be feasting upon at your ward Christmas parties? What is your least favorite Holiday food(s) and why? Is it Aunt Gertrude’s fruit cake that has been re-gifted for the last 20 years, or perhaps the ham, red punch and green jello? Do tell!!