by Daniel Bartholomew
I have long thought that one of the strengths of our Church is that it calls on the general membership to do basically everything in its meetings. Any worthy church member of sufficient age may be called upon to pray, give a talk, conduct the music, play the organ or piano, etc.
Until recently it never dawned on me how deeply some people fear being in front of others or being asked to do anything in front of other people. Yes I knew that some people became uneasy or nervous. So often we hear people express this at the beginning of a talk. I once even saw (years ago) a person faint while at the pulpit. But I didn’t realize that for some this problem is so severe that even the possibility of offering a prayer causes intense fear and even panic.
In one ward a couple agreed to give the prayers in Church but didn’t show up. Later it was learned that the husband has social anxiety disorder. Praying or speaking in public will cause him to have panic attacks. Even if he were to show up and begin to offer a prayer or a talk, he might suddenly feel compelled to bolt from the room.
I also recently heard another person express how she finds herself unable to even offer a prayer in Church in front of people. She said that on more than one occasion in her life she has been in meetings where the leadership decided to randomly call on people to share testimonies. The resulting panic she felt led her to exit these meetings immediately rather than risk being called upon to speak.
Sometimes when she has politely declined an invitation to pray, the person asking her has expressed dismay and irritation that she would have a problem praying in public. It may seem strange but for some people this is apparently a very serious problem. I should add that this sister is otherwise a very functional and normal person, a mother of two children and a very easy person to speak with.
I am no expert on social anxiety disorder or the phobias that afflict some people. But these recent experiences have led me to consider the possibility that we need to have a greater awareness and sensitivity in the Church towards those who feel incapable of public prayer or giving talks. Perhaps, whenever possible, we should avoid spontaneous or random public requests of people to pray or speak in public – unless we have seen previous evidence that a person is capable and willing to do provide this service. Also, we may need to be willing to graciously accept refusals to speak or pray when they happen. It is possible that a person has a very good reason for doing so.
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Daniel Bartholomew aka Danithew grew up in White Plains, NY. He served a mission in Guatemala. Dan earned a BA in English from BYU with a minor in Hebrew, where he also studied Arabic and lived in the Arabic house for a year. He studied Hebrew and Arabic at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem for three years and has been working on a master’s degree in Middle East Studies at the University of Utah.
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I have this particular phobia, and now take a beta blocker to just take sacrament, its a fear thing, generalized over the years. I’m a convert of many years and have mostly turned down opportunities to speak, give prayers etc. I don’t have any problem with small talk, and have a generally outgoing personality. I’ve wondered how many new converts may shy away from involvement when they know that talks and prayers are pretty much expected. They may even drop out of the Church. I’ve found everyone to be more than considerate when i tell them my problem but still you never know when a teacher may call on just anyone in class so there’s always the need to be vigilant. Thanks for bringing up the subject. I have wished more than anything that this fear response would disappear and hope still to serve a mission with my husband, in spite of this.
I think it behooves us to check for things like this when we are teachers or leaders. Not just the social anxiety, but say people who have been disfellowshipped or are unworthy for some request. I’ve been in situations where my roommate was asked to do something he couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been a problem had he not been asked in front of the class.
The comment about people leaving church because of worries about such matter is an apt one – especially given how many converts there are. I sometimes think a class for helping people give talks would be as useful as teaching development classes.
“Greater awareness and sensitivity” — maybe Conference would be a good place for that kind of advice to be given to the general membership. GAs seem to respond energetically to anecdotal evidence they receive via letter or interview, so you would think they are aware, by now, of the sensitivities you describe. No doubt dozens, even hundreds, of faithful LDS have written letter to GAs expressing their angst when put on the spot in meetings or class. Yet I don’t recall hearing any counsel to LDS local leaders or general members to be sensitive or aware of these problems. Or maybe I just missed it. Odd.
Dave–
I think most lesson manuals have a note in the front about being sensitive to the needs of class members, not embarrassing people, etc.
But I doubt most people read the intro pages, anyway.
My thinking is that people need to be instructed in the possibilities, the reasons why some people cannot participate.
I have a friend who has social anxiety disorder- it was a bit of a barrier to him investigating in that he didn’t really want to show up to church and have every one talk to him. He is ok with speaking or praying in church- it usually is something he can handle pretty well.
I remember one time as a young teenager we had a family home evening where my Dad gave the lesson and talked about asking/assigning someone to give prayers in meetings before the meeting starts rather than calling on someone during the meeting or asking for volunteers. I don’t think he talked about social anxiety disorder or people who were disfellowshipped- though both of those reasons make sense. He mostly talked about how we are directed to conduct our meetings that way, that the Church is a house of order, and that there is someone appointed to be the head and make sure that things run smoothly, that we should seek inspiration- but working by the spirit doesn’t mean doing everything spur of the moment.
Not until I was in college did I realize the importance of asking people to pray privately before a class starts due to people potentially not being able to pray at church- but I think it is something that presidencies of quorums and auxiliaries and teachers of classes (basically any one conducting a meeting) should be taught when they are called.
This is one of the exact reasons why I so detest the posts that occasionally spring up such as “10 commandments of what NOT to do when speaking in church”, etc. Such posts purport to be helpful but really are just a catalogue of everything the people posting hates about speakers in the church. Such posts are totally insensitive to people in the class mentioned by Danithew who may have real trouble speaking.
For such people, getting up in front of the congregation is hard enough without the added pressure of knowing that people out there are actually nit-picky enough to catalogue their mistakes on some sort of list, then rip on them later on a website. How do you know that the person whom you berated on that last post about how bad a job you all think sacrament speakers/gospel doctrine teachers was not using his/her last ounce of courage simply to stand up and speak after being asked to do so by the Bishop? Maybe the Bishop was aware of the weakness, but asked anyway because the individual really needed the experience. And the affected individual, after prayerfully determining that he/she needed the experience, accepted the call to speak. Only to be nit-picked to death by members in the congregation who didn’t like how “ineffective” it was for them to then open their scriptures and read a reference when speaking or mention at the beginning of their talk how nervous they were when the Bishop called, or any number of other things- just see the several threads on the topic here at M* and elsewhere in the bloggernacle.
It is good to remind us that we need to be sensitive to people with social anxiety and other disorders. It is better to remember to do the same ourselves when people speak and not just hold our bishops and leaders accountable for asking such to speak in the first place.
Jordan Fowles, that post can’t go unanswered.
By that same logic, the pesky “be ye therefore perfect” mandate is terribly insensitive to those of us who have real trouble, well, being perfect. Take the actual Ten Commandments: how dare anyone put forth a list of do’s and don’ts when some people have REAL problems with fidelity, or fibbing, or swearing, or coveting?
Perhaps you need to re-read the post to which you refer. No, those aren’t real “commandments” (little play on words there?) and public speaking advice doesn’t rise to the level of moral imperatives. But are they mean-spirited recommendations? Could they be helpful? Does the author supply valid reasons for the advice, or is it simply bad counsel? –OR– could it be that we teach ideals and understand that we will often fall short of them? That no one expects perfection, but that we seek for something better? Is that what’s so detestable to you?
There are obviously exceptional circumstances which require customized treatment, but teaching-by-caveat dilutes and weakens the message. It’s generally a very ineffective teaching technique which leads to exceptions becoming the rules.
OF COURSE “we need to be sensitive to people with social anxiety and other disorders.” The author of this post is right. And if we don’t have those challenges, and we can fix some things simply by having them pointed out to us diplomatically, can you explain why we wouldn’t do so?
I am so happy that someone finally addressed this. My hubby suffers from this. In our other ward they asked us to talk in church, he said yes. Then, he started to panic, have nightmares, etc. I told him to call them back and say that we wouldn’t be speaking in church, ever.
My mom actually avoids church all together because she is worried about being called on to pray or bear testimony. And I mean in the “surprise” sense where there really isn’t a chance to say no without causing a scene. I feel it is really a shame that practices like that can actually drive members away from their meetings.
It would be lovely if we were more understanding as leaders and members of people with this kind of problem. It does seem to put people out when you say no, even when you are going to be out of town or something, people actually can sound offended.
I think we need to remember that speaking or praying in public is not a requirement for going to the temple. A person who is unable to speak in church is still a good person, and above all, we all have things that we struggle with. I think it would help if we would all just lighten up on each other, and ourselves, and actually put into practice the core principals of the gospel in our dealings with each other.
Anyway Danithew, great post! 🙂
Angus,
I am talking about the fact that some people with these weaknesses sometimes DO accept callings to speak, and the fact that, as evidenced by the post referenced, their fellow church members smugly sit there making their lists of everything the speaker does wrong.
I’m all for improvement, but the posts I have seen so far in the “bloggernacle” on speaking in church have not been about improving, really. They are ripfests- harsh, insensitive, cynical, biting, sarcastic, and intimidating to anyone who hopes to speak. They are not intimidating because they ask for “perfection” or even suggest improvement. They are intimidating because they show that, contrary to what we would hope when we speak, other church members are sitting in the congregation laughing at us behind their attentive facades, writing down what we do wrong instead of taking notes as they might appear to be doing. The posts make it clear that those people in the congregation are not concerned about giving the benefit of the doubt or wondering how they can genuinely help us to speak better or praying for us when we have difficulty speaking.
I think Danithew’s post is great- and I think it should reprimand us for being so nit-picky to those who accept calls to speak despite their weaknesses.
To me, the posts in question are not seeking for something better, but instead try to (humorously) rip down the unfortunate people who accept calls to speak. And the point was that instead of ripping on everyone who doesn’t comport with our personal views of what makes a good church speaker, we ought to extend understanding and compassion.